No swimmers in the tubes, no bun in the oven

So I had this appointment...

2012-02-15T09:09:00.006-06:00

...with a doctor who knows lots 'bout girlie bits and spermies and eggs and all that jazz.

Yeah, we're gonna give it another shot. Sherbert wants a baby brother or sister. Actually, he would like a baby brother named Diego or a sister named Dora, but that's another story. (Side note: PUh-LEASE don't let it be a Dora, her head is fucking HUGE...ouch)

So at the first sign of AF I'll be heading in for a HSG to clean out the 'ol tubes. Since my insurance completely dropped fertility benefits, we'll be trying a round with Clomid...and well, we'll see how it goes.

Yikes.

Am I really gonna do this again?

Guess so.

In the meantime, I am so incredibly, totally, unbelievably in love with this little guy:

How could we not try to make a Sherbert Jr.?? :)

Photo Card

2011-11-26T22:31:00.001-06:00

So Happy Holidays Holiday

Browse Christmas invitations and holiday cards by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

guess what?

2011-09-27T12:54:00.002-05:00

We accepted an offer on our house last night! Wooohooooo!!! The days of living in my parents basement are now officially numbered!

We're totally bending over and taking it up the ass financially, but we're pretty sure its the best we're gonna do. We'll end up living with my parents until spring-ish, but it will all be worth it in the end.

And also? We close October 31. That's like...just a month away. Holy crap! So many things to figure out, such as:

-How to come up with the boatload of money we need to bring to closing
-Where the f*ck we're going to put all of our stuff
-When are we going to find the time to pack everything?
-And yeah...that pesky money thing again...why didn't I plant a money tree last spring??

But overall I'm SUPER happy. It's been so stressful, not knowing how long we would be in this situation. Poor Sherbert doesn't know what the heck is going on...he probably thinks its normal to live in your Grandmas basement, go to your house once a month or so, and basically bounce from place to place. Fortunately he LOVES grandmas house, so it hasn't been so bad. One of these days I'll be able to tell him we're "going home" and actually mean it!

Woohoooo, happy happy happy! :)

updates

2011-09-07T10:48:00.004-05:00

Argh, life is stressful right now.

We're still living with my parents. Wait, let me repeat that. We. Are. Still. Living. With. My. Parents. Fortunately we get along really well and its not that bad...but seriously? The market is SO slow, we're averaging 1-2 showings per MONTH. And now we're heading into winter. Not good. I honestly don't know what we're going to do if it doesn't sell soon.

B's still being a bit of a douche. We continue to work at things, but its still rough. Well, I should clarify: I'm working at things. Grrr...

The evil IL's have resurfaced. Again. They tend to pop up near major holidays, birthdays, etc. Sherbert's 2nd birthday is coming up, so of course they're acting up. We continue to ignore them, but they're getting more and more sneaky and more and more douchey. To say I hate them would be an understatement.

But...BUT, I have many amazing things in my life. Numero uno is my little Sherbie man. He continues to amaze me. He's growing and learning at such an astounding rate, it boggles my mind! And he's going to be TWO!! *sniffle* My baby boy is growing up!

Wasn't he just a baby, like...a week ago?

Even with all the stress in my life, this little man keeps me grounded. Sane. Well, he can drive me a little insane at times, but its all worth it.

Sherbie notes:

Talking in 4-5 word sentences

Obsessed with tractors and trains

Still loves to sing and dance

26.6 pounds (I only know this because he insists on weighing himself every night after bathtime and reports his weight to Grandma) "Wenty sisss POUnns."

Loves his daycare friends

Favorite foods: "apple ass" (Applesauce), "ogurt", and "berries"

Has gone pee pee on the potty a few times, but has recently lost interest in it.

There's so much more to write, but I have neither the time nor the energy. But a little something is better than nothing, right?

Awww, you guys...

2011-08-08T16:16:00.005-05:00

You sure know how to make a girl feel better...and for that I reward you with Sherbert pics:

My mom puts this stupid pink bib on me ALL the time. I am NOT "Little Miss Sunshine"!!

Best part of living with Nana: the lake!

Excuses

2011-08-08T12:56:00.001-05:00

Excuses are like assholes – we all have them, and they all stink. My excuse for not blogging? I'm just a tad mental. Like crazy-busy-don't-know-what-I-should-be-doing-right-now mental crazy fuckedupedness. You like that word? Thanks, made it up myself.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what kind of fuckedupedness can lead to me neglecting this blog for *ahem* nearly two months. Well, just a couple of things:

1. B took a new job 4 ½ hours from our home. Which is awesome because it gets us closer to family, but sucks because the housing market…well, SUCKS. Which led us to…

2. We moved in with my parents. Whaaa? Yep, you heard right…B, Sherbert, Diddle the 106 lb yellow lab, Lida the overweight beagle, and I all moved into my moms basement. Awwwesomeness, right? It's actually not that bad, but we're definitely ready for our house to sell so we can buy our own home!

3. Sherbert had to leave the school where he was doing great – loved his teachers and his friends. We thought we found a great place in the new community, but it turned out to be run by a bunch of passive aggressive bee-atches. So he's started at a new place today. So far, so good.

4. I love living close to family, even though it's a bit too close right now…but that also means a long ass commute for me. Fortunately I only have to do it once or twice a month, the rest of the time I work from home.

5. We have no money. I can't quite figure out why, it's like some crazy money-eater is hacking into my bank account and draining it. Except there isn't a money-eater, just B, Sherbert, and me, who tend to use up more money than we bring in, which isn't really a good thing. Damn you bank and your pesky overdraft fees.

6. My marriage is currently shit. Partially due to the stresses of 1-5, partially because I'm an emotionally stressed out bitch, partially because B is a dick.

7. My weight is currently on an upswing. I'm up about 10 pounds from my half-marathon (May) weight. I realize this isn't really a reason for not blogging – but I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge my fat ass. As B is fond of saying (about his own blubber): it's quite the investment. Think about all the money that is spent feeding my ass – Simply Caramel Milky Ways (holy SHIT have you tried them? Yummmmmmydeliciousness!!) don't just grow on trees, my friends! Hmmm…maybe this is leading to #5?

Eh. So that's my list of lame excuses. Today I'm focusing on #6 – my marriage.

Things haven't been too pretty lately. It seems like all we do is fight. We don't communicate well, never really have. B has a tendency to shift into attack mode. I usually have 4-5 comebacks and then roll over and just take it. Then B accuses me of rolling over and taking it. His fight pattern really reminds me of someone…hmmm…

Oh yeah – just like his good ol' dad! It's actually scary how much he's becoming like him. I truly hate his father, and I can't imagine living with someone like him. Being a part of that toxic environment, being the whipping girl during his bad moods.

It's not that B is a bad guy. He sometimes sees when he's acting like his father and it makes him sick. But more and more it's something that just happens, he doesn't quite know how unreasonable he's being. How manipulative.

I'm struggling so much because I really don't know where to go from here. We have some great times, we really do. It's just that lately the bad outweighs the good. It makes me so sad to think about Sherbert having divorced parents. No, scratch that…it literally breaks my heart in two and twists my stomach into knots. It also makes me heartbroken to think about life without my B. So I know that we can fix this…we have to fix this.

We had a few really great counseling sessions before we moved. We have an appointment with a new therapist on Wednesday. I'm crossing my fingers that we can make some progress.

So how's that…good enough excuse for my lack of blogging? Nah, didn't think so, but thought I would give it a try.

Three years.

2011-06-13T13:06:00.002-05:00

It seems like a lifetime ago I walked in through those hospital doors pregnant with twins...and a few hours later out, empty and alone.

I distinctly remember walking into the hospital behind a family, a mom, dad, and identical twin girls, about 18 months old. They were wearing little summery dresses and big ruffley white hats. I remember trying to get ahead of them so I wouldn't have to be reminded of what I would never have.

The last three years have brought unimagineable pain - the days and weeks after the girls were born were gut-wrenchingly awful. But I've also experienced inexplicable joy - the birth of Sherbert, so many "firsts", and just his daily shenanigans that make me laugh. The last three years have taught me so many lessons, showed me how strong I really can be...and who my true friends are.

I took today off. Not to lay in bed and cry like I did that first year...but to sit and reflect. To let myself imagine. Remember. No matter how hard I try, the thoughts always come back to Sherbert. Instead of stopping those thoughts, I'm starting to embrace them. Perhaps its the girls way of telling me it's okay to move on. Today has been a turning point, in a way, I now find myself happy for the time we did have together, versus dwelling on the things we missed.

I love you forever and always, Kar.is and Ad.dison. I love you.

I hate these posts.

2011-06-09T21:31:00.004-05:00

Please head over to Lis and give her your love and support...she just lost her precious twins, Thomas Albert Jr and Bayli Rae at 21w2d. She lost her twin girls, Ayla and Juliet at 20 weeks in 2009. I don't know how someone gets through it once, let alone twice.

You guys are amazing, I know you'll help her through it.

The one where I post a pic of my ass

2011-05-18T22:29:00.009-05:00

Recently the following conversation occured in the noswimmers household.

M: Hey B, take a picture of my ass. (Hands him the camera)

B: What?

M: Take. A. Picture. Of. My. Ass.

B: Umm...ok?

M: I want to make sure these running capris don't make my ass look larger than it already is...I would like to wear them on race day, but want to know what I look like from behind before I take the tags off.

B: Uh...ok. (Snaps a pic)

M: Oh my God! My underwear totally show through!

B: No they don't! (Reaches for camera and takes a good look)...that's just the flash. You're fine.

M: (Looks again and checks undies to determine color) - Nope, they're totally my underwear, you can see them perfectly - they're pink! (Takes a picture of my own ass)

B: You're fine.

M: You're blind.

My half marathon is Saturday. I returned the transparent capris. You're welcome, Fargo.

On the road again

2011-04-27T10:05:00.004-05:00

Well, not right now, but hopefully soon enough. We put our house on the market last week. If you remember, we moved to our current home less than 2 years ago. Throughout my entire life I've never lived farther than an hour from my family. The move 2 years ago gave B a big promotion, but put us 4.5 hours away from family. Not that I'm a mommy's girl, hell, I've gone a month without talking to my mom...but with the arrival of Sherbert 19 months ago, having family around became a priority.

B was recently given the opportunity to transfer to an office in my hometown...so we snatched it. My job is very flexible, allowing me to work from pretty much anywhere in MN. So...the noswimmers clan is gearing up for another move!

I'm pretty sure its the kinibley shaft, dad...

B starts the new job June 1. He plans on staying with my parents (Lord help them!) until we sell and can purchase a new place.

I'm really really REALLY hoping the house sells fast. Our realtor assures us its priced right, we've cleaned everything up and removed excess furniture/clutter. *sigh* I just don't want to be trapped here with two dogs and a toddler all by myself!!

1980s Diet Pepsi ad

We were very fortunate last time around, the house sold within a couple of weeks and we were out within 6! I'm really hoping it goes as smoothly this time.

So I put these round things in this basket? I can do that!

If you know of anyone looking for a home south of the Twin Cities (MN)...send them my way!

This is our last move, ever. I swear. I know we've said that the last 4-5 times we've moved, but this is it. Right?

thank you

2011-04-12T10:38:00.007-05:00

First of all, I have to say thank you for all of the comments on my last post. Things have actually been much better. I'm not naive enough to think our problems are solved, but we're at least working on them. I had an appointment with my therapist, who suggested meeting indivdually for a while. In the meantime, B and I are working on communicating better, supporting each other more, and giving each other a break once in a while. It's an uphill battle, but things are definitely better.

In less depressing news, guess who's almost 19 months old?? I have a walking, talking, biting little man on my hands. He's been quite the troublemaker, biting all the other kids at school. Five times in one day is his personal best. I'm pretty sure the other parents hate us. Time outs are helping, and we're currently on a 2-day no biting streak *knock on wood*.

Mom says I'm not always this innocent.

Hey Mabel...did ya hear the one about the duck? It QUACKed me up!

In other news...

A few months back I must have been in a particularly optimistic mood and signed up for the Fargo Half Marathon. Yes, I'm the same chica who huffed and puffed her way through a 5k last fall. Now I'm fixin' to run 13.1 miles at the end of May. Lord help me.

I'm on week 7 of a 12-week training program. With the exception of some knee and calf pain, so far, so good. *knock on wood again*

I got to pet a bunny when we went for Easter photos!

Mom and Dad say the girls like to see a little chest.

It's kind of fun to watch my body transform. Once I stoped worrying about the number on the scale and started focusing on running longer/faster/farther, the pounds started coming off. I'm still about 40 pounds away from where I want to be, but it's progress. Oh yeah, I also cut me some bangs...a big change for me.

Mom apologizes for the flabby-ass arms, skanky black-bra-under-white-tank combo, no makeup, and bad hair day, but she thinks this is a cute picture of us.

We're also gearing up to put our house on the market...yep, moving again. I don't have the energy to go into all the details (yet), but it will be a positive change.

Most of all, I just wanted to say thanks for all the love and support!!

Favor?

2011-03-23T11:57:00.002-05:00

Please go give my friend Jen a big virtual hug. She is an amazing woman...always there when you need her...and now she could use a little love.

The Big D

2011-03-23T10:46:00.005-05:00

...and I don't mean Dallas. Or Donor. Divorce. Now, before you go all ape shit, let me say that no, I'm not getting one. But for the first time in eight years of marriage the thought has rolled around in my mind, and the word even escaped my lips last weekend.

Things have been rough in the noswimmers household. B is stressed about work. I'm stressed about work, Sherbert, and household stuff. We fight constantly. Mostly its about stupid piddly shit, but sometimes its about the big stuff - who we are as individuals, where we see ourselves going, etc.

For the most part, we don't fight during the week...we don't see enough of each other to get into it. It's the weekend that usually brings trouble. B + whiny toddler = extreme frustration, leading to intense arguments with me. B loves Sherbert with all of his heart, but he's not the most patient man. Doesn't quite know how to deal when the kiddo gets upset. I usually end up taking the full force of his frustration.

I also see B becoming more and more like his father. This scares the living shit out of me, since his dad is a condescending, manipulative asshole. (We don't have a relationship, if you didn't already know) The sad thing is, B sees it too. He's commented that his behavior reminds him of his dad, and he hates it. He doesn't want to be him...he's not him...but sometimes he acts a hell of a lot like him.

I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, or through a minefield, trying not to trigger an explosion. So I try to keep Sherbert from whining. I do everything I can to keep his screaming to a minimum...but its all becoming a bit much.

Last weekend is a perfect example. It's a really stupid story...a fight about nothing, but it's a good example of our pattern. The three of us planned a day of play/shopping. IKEA, Target, and the grocery store were our pit stops (IKEA counts as playtime!). One thing you must understand about B - he hates crowds. He doesn't like to admit that he can't handle it though, so he bottles it up and explodes a few hours later. I could practically set my watch to it. So IKEA on a Saturday probably wasn't the best idea. B was trying to make the best of it, making up stupid songs and singing them as we shopped. By time we left he was a little edgy, but he was trying to remain calm. I did my best to keep Sherbert happy in the backseat. B snapped a few times, but overall it was ok.

By time we got to Target I could tell B was ready to explode. When he gets to this point I have to be really careful what I do/say, and what Sherbert does...the littlest thing will set him off. I try to make jokes, to get him to laugh...sometimes it works and his attitude flips...sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately this wasn't a flippin' kinda day.

We had just turned the corner into the pasta aisle. A guy had just walked by, but was out of earshot. I heard (what I thought to be) a fart. I started laughing and said to B: "Nice fart". He said "I didn't fart!". I laughed and said "OMG, I heard it clear as day, you did too!". He said "No, I didn't". Not recognizing the attitude shift was my first mistake. I should have left it at that. Instead, I pushed the issue one more time, insisting that it was, in fact, him. He got silent, and pissed. I apologized, saying I thought it was him, but it must have been the guy who had just walked by. Normally this is something we laugh and joke around about. But the pressure of the day got to him and he was mad.

Now, we were in the middle of a crowded store, so we couldn't exactly scream at each other (although we have), so we had a heated argument in somewhat hushed tones. I'm apologizing and he's accusing me of announcing to the store that he farted. (Stupid fight, right??)

Anyway, it gets to the point where he says to another shopper "Don't mind her...she just farted". I got pissed (and incredibly embarassed!) and walked off with Sherbert. We played in the toy aisle until B found us...and he was not happy. The rest of the shopping trip was tense, to put it mildly.

Of course it all came out when we got into the car. It went roughly like this:
Mandy - "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."
B - "I can't do this anymore"
Mandy - "I'm sorry, I really thought it was you."
B - "Who are we kidding, we should just call it quits. I don't want to fight anymore. I hate fighting around Sherbert."
Mandy - "I'm sorry..."
...etc, etc. This usually goes on and on until I'm left a sobbing mess...then he gets mad that I'm crying...then it ends.

Then a few hours later he apologized. Said he didn't mean it. He was just frustrated.

This is a very typical pattern for us:
1. B comes home stressed about something
2. I sense stress and try to lighten the mood and avoid any triggers
3. I inevitably set off a trigger - could be anything from not cleaning my car to Sherbert throwing a tantrum
4. B launches an attack
5. I apologize, not always understanding why I'm apologizing
6. B keeps attacking until I break down and cry
7. B gets mad that I'm crying
8. B does his own thing for a while
9. B apologizes
10. Rinse and repeat

I know this isn't healthy. We've been to a marriage therapist a few times now, and it's helping a little....but we have a long way to go. I underestimated the amount of stress having a kid has on a marriage. We had some rocky times before Sherbert, but nothing like this. A child adds a dimension and complexities I never even considered. Not that I'm complaining...Gawd no, I love my Sherbie and would do anything for him.

I think B needs to see a therapist on his own, but has been reluctant to do so. Macho man bullshit. I may just make an appointment for him.

I don't know where I'm going with this...I guess I just needed a little space to vent. I can't continue on this road, but I can't see my life without B. We have some really stressful things coming up in the next few months, I'm hoping that once those things are out of the way we'll be back to the "old" us. I hope.

Infertility & Adoption Conference

2011-03-05T14:59:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again - you get to hear all about the awesomeness that is the 2011 Family Building Conference.

If you've been TTC for 6+ months and can be in the Minneapolis area next weekend (March 12), this conference is for you! You can read all about it on the conference website. My take? Totally worth it. Sure, you'll spend a little money and an entire Saturday, but you'll walk away with a ton of information and a renewed attitude. The first time I attended the conference, I walked in feeling defeated and left knowing I could beat infertility. Oh...and you could win some kick-ass prizes - more than $35,000 worth, including a free IVF cycle, a discounted adoption home study, some sweet-ass fertility drugs, and more!

Oh and you know I'll be there. Cause they also give away sperm pins. And sperm pens. And really...isn't freaking out your co-workers with a sperm pen totally worth it? I thought so.

I never was good at juggling

2011-02-28T12:16:00.005-06:00

In 2nd grade, my gym class had a section on juggling. We all started out with lightweight scarves. It was pretty easy to "juggle" the scarves; they floated, giving us extra time to figure out where our grubby little hands should be. After we could successfully juggle three scarves for a minute, we were allowed to move on to foam balls, then on to those bowling pin thingies, etc.

I never made it past those damned scarves.

This whole mommyhood thing? It's a lot like that. I can keep one or two of my "scarves" in the air, but one is bound to hit the floor before I have a chance to catch it. I don't think its because I'm uncoordinated (I am), but because I concentrate too much on the scarves that are in front of me. I give all of my attention to Sherbert and work...or Sherbert and B...and the other things? Well, they slowly float to the ground.

I guess this whole blog is a great example. I love writing. It's always been my outlet. But lately? It's been one of those scarves lying on the gym floor. As has my physical health, my marriage, my friendships, my appearance, and countless other things.

I'm not sure how to keep everything afloat.

This is nothing new, and it's not unique to me. I just need to find some balance.

This weekend I took a big step in that direction. B and I went away, just the two of us. It was the first time we've gone away since Sherbie was born. It was something we really needed and truly enjoyed.

We slept, we ate, and even got a little tipsy together.

Check out the middle tap - haha!
We just had to take a picture of this.

I guess part of it is survivors guilt. Surviving infertility. I came, I saw, I conquered. And I have the ultimate prize...my sweet little Sherbie man. I feel as though I should spent every waking moment with him, nurturing him, teaching him, cherishing him. There are so many of you out there, trying desperately to have these moments. If I take a bubble bath or read a book while Sherbie is around, aren't I just spatting in the face of what I wanted for so long?

I know the answer is 'no'. Every mommy needs her "me" time...I get that. But I don't. Hopefully one of these days I'll figure it out.

In the meantime I've got a scarf in each hand and 20 scattered on the floor around me.

I really suck at blogging

2011-02-21T21:24:00.013-06:00

In my head its only been a week or so since I last posted something...but I see it's been...errr...longer. Sorry. The good news? B and I are going away this weekend and I'll have lots of time to catch up - woohoo! In the meantime, here are a few Sherbie pics to keep you happy. :)

Topics that may be covered this weekend:

How you can win a FREE cycle of IVF!

Marital woes

Donor issues

Any more kiddos?

Another loss

2010-12-30T09:02:00.002-06:00

If you haven't already, please head over and give Jen some love. After we lost our girls, the one thing that kept me going was the love and support from all of you.

My heart absolutely breaks for her.

I don't mean to complain...

2010-12-29T10:00:00.012-06:00

...but it appears as though someone stole my child and replaced him with a little monster. A slightly-demonic, posessed, tantrum-throwing little dude.

Don't get me wrong, I love Sherbie with all of my heart and sould, but holy shit can my little man throw a hissy fit! We're talkin' throw-yourself-down-in-the-middle-of-Target-and-scream-your-bloody-head-off kind of tantrums. And the whining, oooooh the whining! It's this ear-piercing high pitched screaming that curls your toes.

And it appears as though he saves these little gems of love just for mommy and daddy. When we're out of sight he's a complete angel.

He's also had a couple of night terrors...or at least I think they're night terrors. He wakes up screaming and is inconsolable...doesn't want us to touch him...which is very unusual. He rolls around crying and seems kind of dazed. Not fun.

Besides that? He's so much fun. I've never laughed so hard or felt so proud in my life. He truly is my shining little star, he keeps me going on tough days.

So I guess I'll take the tantrums and night terrors...they're worth it.

updates

2010-12-17T13:04:00.015-06:00

I'm home with a projectile-vomiting child who also happens to have snot running out of his ears. Awe-some. No really, the boogers-coming-out-of-ear thing is actually kind of cool. It kinda reminds me of a few weeks back when he had major boogers and I had to take a picture for B...cause we kind of get off on that shit:

Anyway...we're headed to the ENT in an hour or so, just to make sure his tubes are still doing their job.

B had the rest of his mole removed this morning. I wasn't there (note projectile-vomiting child, above), but I guess they took like a 1/4" deep chunk out...B saw it and said there was fat on the bottom. I am sooooo jealous, I wish I could have seen it! The doc said it was good that I sent him it, it's definitely pre-cancerous...she doesn't think it's melanoma, but they're sending it in just to be sure. B has three stitches that I get to yank out in a week or so. Sweet!

Christmas card...u likey?

Last weekend we went to the Mall of America. They have some huge-ass Christmas trees, so I asked B to take a picture of Sherbie and I in front of one. Dumbass got part of the tree.

Child + cookie dough.

Child + overweight lab with abnormally large head:

Child + swiffer + reindeer antlers:

Child + mall playground dinosaur tail:

Child + mall tunnel:

Child + yogurt:

Child + yogurt + camera pointed at child:

Child + gift for fathers boss:

The weight loss? Ahhh...the weight loss. Can you say "plateau"? Can you also say "cookies"? Yeah, my sorry fat ass hasn't been doing so well since daylight savings time. Seeing as though it's dark when I wake up and dark when I get home from work, there's been little time for running. Yes, I have a treadmill in the basement, but by time I get Sherbert into bed I'm exhausted. And I'm just not a morning person. And I like chocolate and cookies. There. But I haven't gained much...so I guess that's a plus, right?

With 5 months to go before the half marathon, I really have to get my sorry ass in gear!!

So there ya have it kids...a (somewhat) decent update!

Randoms

2010-12-14T20:52:00.002-06:00

Since I can't get my thoughts together, I'm going to cheat and use bullets. Because bullets rock.

Sherbert. 15 months old and into EVERYTHING. He's running around like a madman half the time and tearing apart the house the other half. He's also talking a little...he says: Mama, dada, ball, bath, oof oof (dog), light, and a few other words I'm not thinking of right now. He does baby sign language as well: milk, eat, sleep, please, up, and thank you. He also still poops in his pants, just in case you were wondering.
B. This is the one I'm freakin about a little. A few weeks ago he asked me to shave his back (don't ask). As I did, I noticed a freaky little mole. He's pretty fair skinned and has lots of moles, but this one had changed. It had grown, had a funky border, was irregularly-shaped, and had a black spot in the middle. All those things they tell you to watch for. So I made him go in...and they removed it. That was a week ago. Today he got a call from the doctor's office, asking him to come back in to have more removed. They didn't say much and he didn't ask a lot, but it sounds like they want more of the "border", that it looked abnormal. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm a bit nervous.
Me. Ummmm...not pooping my pants. I haven't had anything cut out of my back recently. I guess I'm just too busy worrying about the other people in my life. Cause I'm a worrier, that's what I do. Oh, but I did register for a half marathon in the spring. Crazy, right? I have a long way to go to get in that kind of shape, but I'm up for the challenge. Yikes!

That's it for now, I hope to get back to blogging regularly soon!!

donor fears

2010-11-16T11:39:00.004-06:00

I rarely think about the donor issue. Little Sherbert is here. He's safe, he's healthy, and he's cute as can be. There are times, however, when I am forced to think about the "origins" of Sherbie.

Last month he had tubes placed in his ears. It's a very minor surgery, but he was put under using an inhalant anesthesia. A few days before the surgery a nurse called to go over medical history. She asked if there was a family history of malignant hyperthermia. My side? Nope. Donor? Uh...well...there's nothing in the 20-page medical history I have. But what if they didn't ask about that? What if this condition (or any other) has come up since the donor was questioned? Would he update his profile?

I was nervous enough handing my son over to be put under and operated on...was I potentially putting his life at risk by not knowing every detail of his medical history? I asked the anesthesiologist about it prior to the surgery and my concern was largely pooh-poohed. I understand statistics. I understand logic. I also understand that I've been on the wrong side of those statistics far too many times. In the end all was fine, but it was the first time I've doubted the decision to use a donor.

The next situation will happen later today. My sister-in-law (B's little sister) had a beautiful baby girl a few weeks ago. She and her husband actually went through a little infertility struggle themselves, so I'm over-the-moon happy for them. My mother-in-law is flying out to CA today to meet her grand-daughter for the first time. (Side note: these are not the crazy in-laws...they're still...well...crazy). I know it's crazy and stupid to think...but what if she loves her granddaughter more than Sherbie because she has a genetic connection to her? My MIL has been a fantastic, wonderful, loving grandmother and I don't have any reason to think her feelings are at all influenced by the genetic factor...but...what if?

I guess I'm maybe just a bit jealous. Not that Sherbert is any less a part of this family because of his background, but...it's just...ugh...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think about this much at all. Really. And I don't think that B does either...it's just something that's a part of our life. We have to deal with it...and it brings up some unique challenges.

Hello??

2010-11-10T13:33:00.007-06:00

Hello, are you there?? It's me...Sherbie. I'm really digging cell phones lately. I like to put them to my ear and say "haaaa"! It's my unique way of saying "hi"!

Did you know that the remote for the air conditioner can also be a phone?? It can! Oh, my friend Brett Favre also told me that I can send pictures of my peepee to cute girls on the sidelines. Why would they want to see that??

We learned in pilot school that it's not safe to text and fly, so I call my girlfiend instead.

My mom wants me to tell you that she's very sorry for the lack of posts lately, she's feeling very overwhelmed with work (what's that??), and life in general. She's very very happy and loves me to pieces though. She says she has never been so happy...wow!

Tube-tacular Tubes-day = success!

2010-10-26T10:09:00.002-05:00

Quick update: we're home from surgery and Sherbie is doing just fine! In fact, he's busy tearing apart my house. Honestly, if I didn't know better, I would think they just took him to a play room in back and brought him to recovery about 10 minutes later. The kid is completely unfazed!

I will give a proper update later, I just wanted to let you know that all is fine this Tube-tacular Tubes-day! :)

Tube-tacular Tubes-day

2010-10-25T13:50:00.008-05:00

Sherbert has battled ear infections since he was about 4 months old. It seems like every month he has at least one.

Unfortunately, he is allergic to penicillin. We found out the hard way:

No, it wasn't itchy (thank God!), but it looked awful! It lasted about a week and people stared at us when we were in public. I felt like a child abuser!

He's pretty much had the same ear infection since early September, so tomorrow is:

Tube-tacular Tubes-day!

Yep, my little man is getting tubes in his ears. I know its a very minor procedure, doesn't take any time at all...but I'm still nervous! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I've been told by several people that I should not be the one to bring him back to OR, so I guess B will handle that portion. I know the doctors and nurses are all experienced, yada, yada, yada...it's my little baby!! My little babies ears...ears are close to the brain people!!!!

So in an attempt to keep me from freaking out completely, I've uploaded some recent Sherbert pics.

"Mom...there is NOTHING on TV!"

"Did you see Brett Favre last night??"

"More Cheerios, woman!!"

"Hey YOU! Get back to work!!"

Another TTTS story

2010-10-18T22:20:00.002-05:00

If you haven't heard, Jen over at Maybe if you Just Relax just found out her identical twins are battling Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. She will be meeting with a specialist soon to discuss surgery.

I just read her post a few hours ago, and I can't stop thinking about it. I am so thankful that they discovered the TTTS when they did. So glad that there is now a surgery to correct it. So happy that her babies have a chance.

It isn't the first TTTS story I've heard since Ka.ris and Ad.dison were born, and it unfortunately won't be the last. I love Jen and wish nothing but the best for her and her family, but at the same time…I can't help but wonder…why me?

Why didn't my doctor believe me when I told him my twins were identical?

Of all the ultrasounds we had, why didn't they look at the placenta more closely?

Why didn't they find the TTTS?

Why did my daughters have to die??

When the girls were born, there was only one clinic in the country openly doing the laser surgery. Even had I been diagnosed, who knows if the girls would have survived the trip to Florida. A few months after the girls were born, a clinic in my own backyard announced they now had the capability to perform the procedure, and had been doing so for several months.

So had we known about the TTTS, we could have been one of the first surgeries at the clinic. They could have done it. They had the capability. The equipment. The knowledge. If only we had the knowledge…it could have been so, so different.

Why am I thinking about all of this now? Jen's story obviously stirred up a lot of emotions. Also, as I write this, it's October 15^th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I also just really miss the girls lately.

Shoes Poem

Author Unknown

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Hell toy part 2

2010-10-14T23:04:00.002-05:00

In case you have not had the pleasure of encountering the aforementioned toy, I decided I should post a video. As proof that I am, despite claims to the contrary, a complete saint.

I let my child play with this toy. As much as he wants...which is a LOT.

This lovely gem was a first birthday present from Blake's aunt...my big sister. It's a bit of payback from all the years B and I spent dousing her four children in obscene amounts of sugar. It was always the highlight of family get-togethers...B and I would go shopping for the most disgusting-looking, gel-ish, artifically-disgustingness we could find. We would then proceed to bestow these lovely confections on her oh-so-sweet kiddos.

I distinctly remember lining the kids up and squirting red gel from a toothpaste tube into each mouth. Several times.

So yeah...I kinda of deserve the popper toy.

Quickie

2010-10-14T12:21:00.003-05:00

There is a special place in hell for the maker of this toy.

That is all.

Taking time to breathe.

2010-10-06T13:49:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I forget to do that...just breathe. Actually, a lot of times I forget to do that. So I'm taking that time now.

My grandpa passed away Friday. He was 90 years old and lived a long, happy life. But it still sucks...especially for my grandma, who is left without her partner of 68 years. The funeral was held yesterday. It was a beautiful fall day, exactly the type he would have loved: harvesting his crops or just taking a tractor ride around the farm. The service was beautiful.

After the service at the cemetary, I stood next to my dad's grave with Sherbert. A man I did not know came and put a rose on his stone, while commenting on the reading I did at the service. It was a simple gesture, but a nice reminder that grief should not be a lonely process. 21 years after his death, there are others still grieving my father. I vowed to remember this as I grieve my grandpa.

* * *

There are so many other random issues I would like to bitch about, but somehow it doesn't seem right...so I will leave you with a massive amount of cuteness, in the form of Sherbie, of course!

One of his favorite toys lately is "Chicken Dance Elmo". Now he does the chicken dance everywhere.

Helping dad pack for his hunting trip this weekend. (Side note: wooohooo!!)

Much like his mother during her college years, he wakes up on a Saturday morning with slobber running down his shirt, not quite sure what happened the night before.

Full of piss and __________.

Reading is fun!

Missing GRACE Hope & Hearts Run 2010

2010-09-11T22:15:00.008-05:00

Well kids, I did it. I ran the Missing GRACE Foundation's Hope & Hearts Run. To a lot of people, running 3.2 miles isn't a big deal...but when I decided, back in March, that I would run this for my girls...well, I couldn't run more than 30 seconds at a time. Today, I ran 3.2 miles nonstop. I didn't set any land speed records, but I did it. I ran for 35:10 without stopping.

I'm not asking for a "way to go!" or a pat on the back or anything, but it just goes to show that, given the right motivation, there's nothing you can't do. Had it been any other race, I would have taken a walk break at Mile 1. Trust me...I wanted to. But every .10 mile or so there was a sign. Some signs had pregnancy facts, but many were a tribute to a specific child. Running by each sign made me that more determined to finish the race. I thought about each baby as I read his/her name...thought about how there are so many families out there that have gone through the same thing we have. It broke my heart. It made me mad. It made me happy, that there is an organization out there to help people through such a tragic loss.

Last year I was in no condition to run the race, so I purchased one of the tribute signs. I had no idea that they recycled the signs from last year. My heart swelled with love and pride when I ran past Berber and Gerber's sign. My angels were smiling down on me from heaven.

B and Sherbert did the 5k walk. Besides Sherbert screaming his head off for the first 2 miles, I guess it went well.

We're very much into pointing at things lately:

Sherbert had his very own t-shirt.

He was quite pleased with himself for walking and carrying a water bottle at the same time. Little stud.

After the race, they held a beautiful ceremony where they read the names of all the babies lost. There were maybe a hundred or so names. It was heart-wrenching but beautiful. To some, including us, it was almost validation...that they were here, that they existed. That they had names and parents and families...people who love them. Each name read today has a story...a family...there's someone like me on the other side of that name, grieving the loss of a child. After the names were read there was a balloon release. As always, we tied our balloons together. Again, a beautiful, heartwarming scene.

In the end, it was an amazing day. I met a personal goal. I was able to honor my daughters. I shared a day surrounded by people who "get it". That in itself was amazing.

I may be busy with Sherbert, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my precious angels. I love you girls.

2010-09-11T13:46:00.002-05:00

Quick update: the Missing GRACE Hope & Hearts run was AMAZING!! Tons
of people who "get it", beautiful ceremony and balloon release, and I
ran the whole way! First time I've done that...I know my girls helped
me!

More to come...

Hope & Hearts Run

2010-08-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

As I've mentioned, I will be running the Hope & Hearts Run next month, raising money for the Missing GRACE Foundation. B and Sherbert are even doing it...walking, of course!

If you would like to donate, please feel free to visit my fundraising page. No pressure, though--I love you all regardless!! :)

Oh yeah, one more thing...Sherbert is WALKING. *gulp*

Lately

2010-08-10T10:15:00.008-05:00

Oh how time flies when you're having fun. For once, I'm not being sarcastic. Time is flying...and I'm really having fun. The little man continues to amaze the hell out of me. It seems like he learns something new every day, and is so proud of himself.

He's also learning fear. The latest monster? His diaper genie. It's partially my fault...I told him that he needed to poop his pants because the diaper genie was hungry...and proceeded to do a scary monster voice while making the "mouth" of the genie open and close. He cried.

Bad mommy.

He started at his new school last week, which went pretty well. He's learning SO much...but we're now having to deal with separation anxiety. He screams bloody murder when I drop him off. It absolutely breaks my heart. I've checked in on him a few times, and he appears to be happy with his new buddies...so that makes me feel a bit better.

My mom and I ran the local 5k this last weekend. OMG it was hot and humid. My back hurt like a motherfucker, but we finished.

Daddy, Grandpa, and Sherbert waited at the finish line for us. When Sherbert heard all the people clapping, he had to join in on the action!

We finished in 36:15, even worse than last time...I blame the heat and my back. My late 50-something mother soooo could have kicked my ass, but she refused to leave me.

The boys threatened to make us walk home, we were so sweaty.

I have a post about DI brewing, I just haven't found the time to put my thoughts into words. In the meantime, head on over to Tiffany's blog...she's poppin' out a baby as I type!! For those of you who don't know her, she's recipient #4 of the "magic doppler". Mrs. LaLa bought the doppler to use when pregnant with her twins, passed it along to me to use with Sherbert, I sent it to Mrs. J., to monitor Peanut, and Mrs. J sent it on to Tiffany, who used it to monitor Nolan. With Mrs. LaLa's twins, this will be baby #5 monitored by the "magic doppler". Coolio, eh?

Watching the monkeys do it.

2010-07-29T09:56:00.008-05:00

We went to the zoo last weekend, which was quite appropriate considering Sherbert seems to think he's a monkey. The child tries to scale every object he can get his sticky little hands on. Couches, stools, dressers, dogs...you name it, he'll try to climb it.

He also has a screech that's very pterodactyl-like. Ear-piercing, in fact.

He's also about 2 seconds away from walking. Which is awesome, but holy hell will we have a little terror on our hands. He gets into so much as it is! The child goes a million miles an hour until he completely conks out...and as soon as he wakes up, he's back at it 110%.

Ya gotta admire his enthusiasm.

He LOVED the monkeys. One came up to the glass where B was holding him and he was just mesmerized. I had a picture of it, but B made me erase it because he "looked fat". What a girl.

I'm the chick rockin' the mustache, and you don't see me erasing pics, do ya? (BTW, I've been slathering on the sunscreen until I can get in to the doc...)

Did you notice he loves to point at the camera? We call it the "Sherbert salute".

If there was one thing he liked better than the monkeys, it was the carousel. He LOVES music...even that God-awful organy crap they pump out of those things. We laughed and danced and just had a grand 'ol time.

But today we're kind of sad...it's his last day with his current daycare provider. He's been with her since I first went back to work in December. For the past 6 months, he's been the only daycare kid, which has meant lots of one-on-one attention. He's really bonded with her, and she with him. Unfortunately for us, she's decided to go to nursing school. We're really happy for her, but it will be so hard for my little Sherbie! He starts at a different daycare Monday. We've done a couple of test days and he loved it, its just very, very different!

Overall, I can honestly say that this is the happiest I've ever been. Not necessarily because Sherbert is finally here after so many years, but because all the pieces have fallen into place. I'm at a point where I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, albeit cellulite-ridden and pasty. I have a wonderful husband whom I love to pieces, two great dogs, and an amazing son who is truly the center of my universe.

I leave you with this video clip, which shows just a tiny bit of the peaceful tranquility that is my life. Enjoy.

Life in bullets

2010-07-19T12:54:00.010-05:00

Not the kind you shoot shit with, the kind that allows you to put together a list of random stuff in a not-so-flowy format. At least that's how I look at it.

Mabel

My beagle love has had some health problems. One day she was fine, the next she could barely move. Scared shitless, we took her to the emergeny $ vet $$. After a couple of xrays, we were told that she has a degenerative disc disease. She's stage II. Fortunately we were able to treat it with some steroids and muscle relaxers.
Steroids and muscle relaxers make her pee.
Sometimes we are not home when she needs to pee.
I need to have my carpet cleaned.

My back hurrrrts! I did a 30-minute run last weekend and my low back has been killing me ever since. I finally went to the chiropractor this morning, hopefully we'll see some improvement soon.
Mother fucker, I've gained weight. Shit. Only a couple of pounds, but still...have to start watching what I'm eating.
BBQ chips in the pantry are calling my name.
With the help of a very patient therapist, I'm starting to tackle my OCD. That's a whole post...hell, a whole blog in itself.

Sherbert

10 months old!
Super speedy crawler
Nearly walking...he races around with his little push toy and can stand unassisted for a few seconds.
Not quite sleeping through the night (ugh)
Still breastfeeding
Has 4 teeth
Still breastfeeding
HAS FOUR TEETH...can you say "ouch??" My poor ni.pp.les...he drew blood once!
Loves to clap
Says "mama" and appears to know what it means
Starts at a new daycare August 2nd

He loves dogs (thank God!)

One of my favorite pictures of the two of us:

Our little window licker:

That's it...buh-bye!!

Please don't call the authorities...

2010-07-14T22:12:00.002-05:00

Everyone needs a little org.y action in their lives, no?

I call this masterpiece "Menage a trois Ses.ame Str.eet style":

Poor child.

2010-07-02T09:04:00.001-05:00

Mobile blog testing...helllloo?

Balls. Girlie bits. Va jay-jay. Just testing.

'stache

2010-06-22T09:48:00.004-05:00

Over the last few weeks my skin has darkened on my upper lip. Yes, my friends...

I have a 'stache.

And not just any moustache, it's kind of like two dark spots on either side, making it kind of a Hitler-esque 'stache. Now, if I had any say in the matter, I would forgo the Hilter version and opt for the kind that curls out at the end...ya know, the handlebar kind? Cause that just rocks.

The worst part is that it pops out even more when I wear makeup. So I'm rockin' the drag queen look. Score!

Oh...but this drag queen finished B's Fathers Day video. And it was a hit, he even cried!! Thanks for all of your help with the songs. Enjoy! :)

Happy Birthday, girls

2010-06-13T15:52:00.004-05:00

Today is Berber and Gerber's 2nd Birthday. It's hard to believe they've been gone so long.

Now all I'm left with are memories, and even those are fading fast.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel girls. Happy Birthday.

Randoms

2010-06-08T09:29:00.016-05:00

Sherbert is still breastfed. I work fulltime, so my pump is my constant companion. There are often pump parts strewn across the kitchen.

Just as we were about to fall asleep the other night, B turns to me and says:

"Oh, just so you know...the white flappy things for your tit suckers are in the silverware drawer."

Me: "Okay, thanks."

A full 30 seconds go by, during which time I'm in and out of sleepyland. Suddenly I burst out laughing. Since when did "white flappy things for your tit suckers" become a normal part of our vocabulary? This gave me the giggles for days.

* * *

As of an hour or so ago, I have $0.15 in my checking account. No worries, though...I transferred the entire balance of my savings account and now can boast a whopping $25.15. Awesome.

B and I really need to grow up one of these days.

* * *

Sherbert is on the move...big time. The little dude can crawl pretty fast, especially if he's after his big brother Tung.sten! He also pulls himself up to standing, and has finally figured out how to sit his butt back down.

He loves to splash.

The child does get angry, I swear.

He also has an electrical outlet fetish. Slobbery wet fingers + outlets = mom putting covers on every outlet in the house!

* * *

My mom talked me into running a 5k with her this weekend. I was a little hesitant, as I've only been running for 7 weeks, and the run was in the town we just moved from...I didn't want to embarass the hell out of myself! But...I did it.

There were too many fucking hills.

And the bastards who organized the race must have a hidden camera in my bathroom, cause they gave me a race number that corresponds too freakin' closely to my weight. I felt like I was walking around with a sign that said "I WEIGH 190 POUNDS!".

But, I finished. We walked 3 or 4 times, but only for 30 seconds or so.

My time was 35:45 (11:31 per mile). Not awful, not great...but I finished! And I wasn't last. Woohoo!

* * *

I'm in the process of making B a photo slideshow for Father's Day. I have a hundred or so photos picked out of Sherbie since he was born...it was so hard to narrow them down! The only thing I'm struggling with is what music to put to it. Any ideas? I would like to make him cry, if at all possible. ;)

* * *

It's Berber and Gerber's 2nd Birthday on Sunday. Seems like a million years ago, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. My MIL (the nice one!) will be here, so I'm not sure if we'll do anything, or wait until we can do something special as a family.

Run fat girl, RUN!

2010-05-24T12:30:00.009-05:00

I ran 25 minutes this morning. Without stopping. Not even for a stoplight (damned thing stayed green). And it was hot. Really, really fucking hot. And humid. But I did it.

As you may recall, I'm training for the Hope & Hearts 5K in September. I was a runner in high school, but after college I gained upwards of 80 pounds, and...well...no one wants to see that much jiggly bouncing up and down.

After Sherbie was born I decided I needed to be a healthy, in-shape mom. One that can run and laugh and play with her little boy. So I set the 5K as a goal. Not that running 3.2 miles necessarily equals optimal health, but the process of getting there would ensure that I lost weight and increased my heart health. Because I want to be around a long time for this little guy:

I downloaded an app onto my iphone (Couch to 5k program - highly recommended!) and have been diligently following its instructions for the past 6 weeks. The first week I was gasping for air during the 30-second jogging stints. The program gradually increased the length of the runs, and today, I ran 25 minutes without walking.

Am I where I need to be to run the 5k? Heck no! But I'm getting there...and all the while I'm thinking about my daughters in heaven and my son on earth, and hoping to make them proud.

And the number on the scale? Fucker isn't budging. Might have something to do with those milk duds and cheetos. *sigh* You can't expect me to change everything at once, can you??

Hate

2010-05-13T12:47:00.003-05:00

...is a strong word. One I don't use lightly. Unless it comes to dieting or exercise or something like that. When it comes to people, I can honestly say I've only truly hated two people in my life (the crazy-as-fuck neighbors from hell from a previous home). That is, until the last few weeks when the evil in-laws resurfaced.

For those of you who are new to the in-law drama, I'll give you a very brief recap of our relationship:
-2007 - purchased beautiful lake home with in-laws. They used it as an investment opportunity (and made the entire down payment), we lived there and payed 80%+ of the mortgage. We had a verbal agreement that when it came time to sell, we would get a percentage of the profit.
-2008 - Berber and Gerber pass away. We go on vacation with in-laws. B and I get incredibly annoyed by evil step MIL, J, creating a few fights during the 10-day trip. Leave on not-so-great terms.
-Learn a few days after our return that J made a few nasty comments about me and my grieving (it was only a month after the girls had died!)
-Confront the evil cunt (excuse my language, I just hate her that much!) - she flies into defense mode, blaming B's sister for all the worlds problems
-We grow increasingly uncomfortable about our situation with the house (not having anything in writing) and ask to have a written agreement. Asshole, sneaky, slimy, disgusting, good-for-nothing, piece-of-shit father in law, E, refuses. We push back. He sends us a legal document saying we now need to pay 100% of the mortgage (out of our range) and that we would not receive any profit from the sale of the house.
-We do not sign.
-We learn E and J contacted a lawyer and were planning on suing us.
-We scramble to pull enough money together and move.
-Fast forward-
-September 2009 - Sherbert is born. The day after I receive a voicemail from E, saying congratulations, but a nasty comment about how he should have "heard it from us"
-E and B talk. B says he is willing to move on with E, but not his wife. E refuses. E sends email to B, telling him that he's "only been a father for a few days and already you're turning into the worlds worst dad"

...and its been relatively uneventful since then. They sent Sherbie a Halloween card with a couple of digs at us. Sent a Christmas gift with photos of themselves (BARF!!) - we threw the box in a corner...no way is my child wearing something that evil bitch touched!! Other than that, its been sooooo nice and peaceful!

E and J live in San Diego. So does B's little sister. It may be hard to believe, but she has an even worse relationship with them. They've shit on her so many times its hard to count.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago we went out to San Diego for SIL's wedding. She married a military guy and was able to have the wedding on the secure military base, so we weren't worried about them crashing the wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful and we we got through the day without a single incident!

The next morning, however, little sis gets a text message from E, saying: "I know you got married and pregnant. Hope you're happy. U must really hate us." Now, they do have some mutual acquaintances, but we weren't exactly sure how he found out about the wedding. We thought it may have come from E's sister, a 'friend' of mine on Facebook. So I un-friended her. Almost immediately I get an email and text from E, telling me that I should be ashamed and "need to apologize". We ignored it.

Then a couple of days after we got back, I was talking to my mom. The conversation turned to our trip, and I told her that all went well until crazy E started texting. She sort of hesitated, then said, "Well...he was here this weekend." My mom lives in northern MN, about an hour away from the lake home (which is still on the market, haha!). Confused, I asked "what do you mean, 'he was here'?" "He was here...we met him for lunch".

My jaw pretty much hit the floor. My parents know pretty much everything that happened between us. They know this man tried to sue us. They know the living hell they put us through. I was completely in shock.

Turns out E was in town to furnish/stage the lake house, to hopefully help in the selling process. He just called my parents up out of the blue and asked them to meet him. And they did.

I have to defend my parents a bit. They're really nice people. I don't think they have the ability to say 'no' to anyone. They're also incredibly naive. And E is a master manipulator. The mother fucker has screwed soooo many people over the years. He's one of those people that you meet and instantly like - he's very personable, very sweet...all the while he's manipulating the shit out of you. So as much as it upset me that they agreed to meet with him, I can hardly blame them...hell, he pulled my strings for years.

Anyway, during lunch E layed out his sob story - he misses us, wants to see Sherbie, etc. My parents were sympathetic...I mean, who keeps a grandfather from his grandchild? Well, I do - because I honestly feel that a relationship with this man would harm my child. And I will not allow that to happen.

During their little lunch my parents told E that we were out in San Diego at the wedding, and that B's little sis is pregnant. He didn't know either of these things. It wasn't long after this that the harassing texts and emails started.

The asswipe piece of garbage used my parents for information. He knew they were too nice to say no, that they would talk...and he used that to his advantage. Mother fucker.

After a day or two of stewing, I finally burst and had to tell my mom that I was upset that they met with him. She felt bad...she said she felt very uncomfortable even going, and regretted it the instant they left. She also felt awful that they spilled the beans on the wedding and pregnancy. She said they would ignore any future messages/emails/texts.

In the meantime, E is back in San Diego. He goes to little sisters place of employment. Fortunately she wasn't working that day. He badgered and intimidated the poor girl working into telling him when/where little sis would be working the next day. Long story short, everyone at her work (multiple locations) is on the lookout for E, and have been told that the police should be called if he were to show up. It's so sad that it has to be like this, but we're honestly afraid that he would do something. He's a complete pussy, but at the least he would go in and have a holy fit.

He's also been texting/calling/harassing B's mom and step-dad. Evil cunt J is a big-time alcoholic, and she's been getting plastered and calling/texting. It's gotten to the point where they've considered a harassment/restraining order. Fortunately they live far away, but you never know where a crazy person will show up!

Just last night I was talking to my mom again. Apparently E left a voicemail, asking my mom to call evil-cunt J. Fortunately, they ignored it.

This is just all too fucking crazy for me. Why can't they just leave us alone?? I understand wanting to have a relationship with your family...but all he's done is show us how completely incapable is his of having a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. If he actually wanted to move forward, wouldn't he put together a nice email or letter? Not these harassing, condescending emails and texts?

I'm not sure what's next. We've just been ignoring everything, hoping they'll give up and finally live their own life.

*sigh* that's my drama as of late. Thanks for listening to my endless rant/bitching session. :)

"First" Mothers Day

2010-05-11T12:29:00.003-05:00

Sunday I had my "first" Mothers Day. First in the sense that I was able to hold and play with my child. First, in that a stranger could see I'm a mother. In my mind, however, this was my third Mothers Day.

-2008: pregnant with Berber and Gerber.

-2009: mother to Berber and Gerber, who had passed away. Pregnant with Sherbert.

-2010: mother to Berber, Gerber, and Sherbert.

I received several cards wishing me a "Happy First Mothers Day". They were given with the best of intentions, but it still stung. Even the card B picked out for Sherbie.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. For so many years I cried on M-Day. I hoped and wished and prayed that I would have a baby to hold. And this year I do. I just wish I had my daughters here too.

A post NOT about the crazy in-laws

2010-05-05T13:00:00.012-05:00

I was going to bitch about the crazy in-laws from hell and how they're making my life miserable right now, but I'm not going to. Not today, at least. Today I am going to be an uber-proud, boastful, obnoxious mother to the sweetest little man in the world.

Today you are going to be forced to look at adorable pictures of my little dude.

These are Sherbie's 6-month pics. Yes, I realize he is now almost 8 months old. It took a while to get the appointment scheduled, then there was some lag time between the session and when I got the CD (I purchased the rights to reproduce the photos, just in case you're wondering).

So...here's Sherbie!

He decided to sit for the first time at his photo shoot!

SUCH a freakin' ham:

I swear to God the leggings were not my idea...the photographer had them. But I have to admit, they look pretty cute!

Mmmm..feet!

A little attitude:

One lump or two?

This is my favorite, because its soooooo Sherbie:

There...much better than a rant on the crazies, no? I can't promise you that a rant is not forthcoming, but for now...you're spared. Lucky bitch.

NIAW

2010-04-25T22:32:00.003-05:00

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

Seven years ago I bought a robe. A baby robe. White with a little yellow duckie and a hood. It was the first baby item I had ever purchased for myself. Ya see, B and I had just started trying to conceive. Naïve as always, I thought I would be pregnant right away. Cause that’s what happens when you have sex without protection, right? Right?

Throughout our 5+ year journey to bring home a living, breathing baby, that robe went from a symbol of hope to one of helplessness. For several years the robe went into a box in a closet. Sometimes it came out, when I was especially hopeful a particular cycle would be successful…but for the most part it stayed in storage. Seeing that symbol of all that I hoped for, dreamed of…it was just too much.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. For many it’s a week to educate themselves, speak up, speak out. For me, it’s also a time to reflect. To remember that pain, that heartache. As difficult as it was, I never want to forget it. Not only does it make me appreciate Sherbie even more, it also serves as a reminder that there are many, many people out there still struggling. Still hoping to bring home their little Sherbie.

I always thought that when the day came and I finally brought home a living baby, that one of the first things I would do is put him or her in that duckie robe. While preparing Sherbie’s nursery I even hung it on his closet door, ready for that moment. When I could finally give infertility the big middle finger.

Yet the robe still hangs on Sherbie’s closet door. The first few weeks I told myself I was too busy. The next few months I just didn’t grab it at bath time. Now? Now I’m pretty sure I don’t have an excuse. Maybe it’s a convenience factor: I just like to put the little man in his pj’s after bath time.

As strange as it may seem, the biggest reason is that I’m just not ready to let go. Infertility was a part of my identity for so many years. Don't get me wrong: I'm overjoyed, happier than I've ever been to have Sherbie in my life, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. It's just tough to explain. Perhaps it's a way to ensure I'll always remember? Always be sympathetic? Never forget my "roots"?

In the meantime, the robe still hangs on Sherbie's closet door.

rant ahead

2010-04-13T12:30:00.005-05:00

Can I just take a moment to bitch, please?

Some background:

My mom has really gotten into running the past few years. She runs a 5k just about every weekend and is currently training for a half marathon in May.

I was a cross-country runner in high school. Never fast, sometimes I didn't finish, but I was out joggin my ass off pretty much every day.

Then college happened. Then marriage happened. Then infertility happened. 80+ pounds (pregnancies not included) happened. My mom has been nagging me to get back into running for years.

Running with that much weight bouncing up and down isn't exactly easy...nor is it good for the sidewalks/pavement. MN winters do enough damage as it is. But I decided to lace up the ol' sneakers, with the goal of running a 5k in September. I've lost a good chunk of weight, so its getting easier.

My mom and I agreed to do the 5k together. It would sort of be a way of honoring Berber and Gerber, as the race benefits the Missing Grace Foundation. I was going to order "Team Berber and Gerber" t-shirts, with "Grandma" and "Mom" on the back. B was going to have a "Dad" tshirt...Sherbert will have "little brother". It was going to be a bit of a family event. My way of showing the world that despite the birth of Sherbert, Berber and Gerber are still a part of my life and will never be forgotten. To show my mom that there are other people out there that have lost babies, that celebrate their lives, that have families that love and support them...to show my mom that I'm not crazy for "not moving on".

Not too long ago she asked for the date again. When I told her - September 11 - she said "oh darn! That's the date of such-and-such a race. I've invited your neices to come up to run with me. Gosh, if it were any other weekend...".

So I guess that's the end of that. I'll run the race alone. "Team Berber and Gerber" will consist of B, Sherbert, and myself.

I really shouldn't expect anything different. I'm running the race for me and my girls, but part of me was reaching out to my mom, through this hobby that she loves...sort of a way to bring her into the world I was forced into. To make her understand.

Could I ask her to reconsider? Beg her to come with me? Sure. But should I have to?

I guess I'll just go it alone.

* * *

At least I have this little dude, who always keeps me smiling:

Easter fun

2010-04-06T14:14:00.007-05:00

I'm tired. Too tired to really write much, so I'm going to post a bunch of Sherbert pictures to distract you from my lack of writing.

Getting ready to color Easter eggs:

Trying to taste an egg, since the shoe didn't taste so great:

Happy boy on Easter:

A few seconds later, despair:

Then happiness again for a picture with mommy:

Then exhaustion and a nap on daddy:

See...you didn't even notice that I didn't write much, did you??

Run, fat girl, RUN!

2010-03-26T12:08:00.001-05:00

(Sorry to anyone who had the blank version of this post show up in their reader. Note to self: do not eat while blogging - you may inadvertently press 'enter' a few times while trying to find your way around the gigantic bowl of soup in front of you)

As you may have assumed from the title, I've decided to start running. Not sure if you can really call it "running" yet, more like "slow jogging while gasping for air". And I'm not even sure if you can say I've "started", as I have a whopping one outdoor run under my belt (last night). But hey...I went 2.2 miles! Sure, I would jog/gasp for air then walk, jog/gasp for air then walk...wash, rinse repeat.

The thing is, I have a goal. And I'm not going to fuck it up this year. I will run in the Hope & Hearts 5k in honor of Berber and Gerber on September 11th. Last night, when I wanted to give up, I just thought about my little angels cheering me on...and that kept me going. Sometimes another 30 seconds, sometimes an additional 5 seconds.

I have a long way to go, but at least I have more than 5 months to prepare! I was a runner in high school, but that was more than 10 years and 60 pounds ago...yikes!

* * *

Here's a little Sherbie love:

* * *

Regarding my last post: no, damnit--I didn't say 'penis', 'vagina', 'dildo cam' OR 'semen'. Sonofabitch...when will I EVER be able to say those words in front of 150 people again? Likely never. Crap.

Oh, and Jelly asked if the speech was videotaped. Nope, sorry!! I will do a written version, though. Stay tuned. :)

Aren't you proud of me?

2010-03-13T18:00:00.002-06:00

B and I did the keynote speech at the RESOLVE conference today, and I got through the entire presentation without saying any of the following:

Nuts
Balls
Nut sac
Nut juice
Jizz
Puss
Vajayjay
Girlie bits

Aren't you proud of me? Don't worry, I already got myself a cookie, and it was deelish.

RESOLVE Family Building Conference

2010-03-06T05:54:00.003-06:00

Woah...guess what's only a week away?

The Midwest Region of RESOLVE's Family Building Conference
Saturday, March 13th
7:30am-5:00pm
Golden Valley, MN

They're giving away over $35,000 in prizes - IVF cycles, Adoption Home Study Discounts, Egg Donor Program, etc.

They also have some really great speakers. As I've mentioned, B and I go to the conference every year...first as a couple trying to conceive, now as volunteers. If you're in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area next weekend, I would encourage you to check it out!!

sick Sherbert

2010-03-04T16:16:00.007-06:00

Baby Sherbert has been a sick little man the past few days. Monday afternoon I received a call from his daycare that he had a major fever...his temp was 101.7. Poor little booger has had a cold for the past few weeks, but until Monday morning that just meant a lot of snot sucking.

Tuesday and Wednesday I had to be at a conference and B was out of town, so little Sherbert had to spend both days at daycare. I can't tell you how awful I felt, knowing my little man wasn't feeling well! We're fortunate to have a wonderful daycare - Sherbert is the only kid, but I still felt like the worlds worst mommy. I rushed home at the end of each day, trying to make up for the fact that I wasn't there when he needed me.

Yesterday when I picked him up he was so sick he couldn't even cry...it's was the saddest thing ever! He just makes a little raspy squeak.

I was able to get home early on Tuesday to bring him to the doctor - he has an ear infection, and most likely a respiratory infection. The poor little dude has the saddest little wheeze! He's been on antibiotics the last few days, hopefully that clears things up.

Today he stayed home with me, we had a really rough night and I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving him again. We spent most of the day in bed, chest to chest...one of the only things that comforts him. I guess he likes the easy tit access, lol.

Anyway, I guess I'm just having a little pity party. I would give anything to make my little snot monster feel better!

no swimmers in the freezer?

2010-02-24T15:42:00.002-06:00

All of my kiddos were conceived using donor sperm. B makes spermies, they just have no way to get out...think of a maze with no entrance/exit. I sort of imagine them all running into each other like one massive traffic jam.

The thing is, we still have some of B's nut juice leftover from our two IVF/ICSI cycles. Well, its not really "nut juice", more like slices of nut tissue containing sperm. They had to slice open his balls just to get the samples. Before surgery, I remember B telling the urologist to take "a whole freakin' nut, cause I'm not doing this again!". Teehee.

Annnyway, we've been paying $275 a year for storage. That's a lot of money, especially when you're sort of short on cash due to the money-and-tit-sucking little human. Not to mention: will we ever use said nut juice?

B's 100% sure he doesn't want any more kiddos. I'm somewhere in the vicinity of 85% sure.

The thing is...even if we wanted another little one, wouldn't we want to use the same donor? I know we would never spend $8-12k on another IVF/ICSI cycle...so we're considering telling the swimmer storage company to toss 'em.

Freakin' "past due" bill is glaring at me. Do I tell them to suck it? ...or suck it up and pay another year? It's just so...final, throwing away B's sperm.

*sigh* the life of a crazy infertile.

No...REALLY, I'm infertile!!

2010-02-17T21:47:00.003-06:00

Sorry if you read my last post and were confused when you couldn't comment--I decided to delete it. It was pretty much a bitchfest about my hubby, but we've since worked things out.

Anyway...

A while back B and I went to a little get-together. There were 3 other couples, 2 single ladies, and a couple of kids. We brought Sherbert along--the teenage girls wanted to babysit and we were definitely up for a few hours rest!

We had not met any of the other couples before. The first couple I met was so nice--they oohed and ahhed all over Sherbie, and asked some questions because "we don't have kids of our own". Now, people live child free for many different reasons...but it was the way she said it that struck a chord. Perhaps it was the overly-cheery tone in her voice...the same tone I used to mask the pain of not having a child. Or it may have been the sadness in her eyes.

As I held my little man I wanted to scream "I'M INFERTILE TOO!! IT TOOK ME NEARLY SEVEN YEARS TO GET HERE!!". But I couldn't...because I remember being in that boat, hearing all the "we tried for years and years, and just when we gave up, I got knocked up!". You just want to reach out and slap the shit out of whoever is talking. When you're in the midst of infertility it feels like you'll never get out.

It's also hard to claim the infertility card when you're holding a baby. Your baby. So we talked about dogs. How her dog is her baby...and how Mabel is mine.

We never broached the subject of infertility, but it sure was in the front of my mind.

That was until she had a few-too-many glasses of wine and one of the really drunk single chicks kissed her...cause how do you go from "holy shit you just got sexually assaulted by a drunk chick" to "what fertility clinic do you go to?".

It's a weird place to be. This whole "I-was-infertile-and-still-am-but-it-sure-as-hell-doesn't-look-like-it-cause-I-have-a-kid" stage. A good place, but weird indeed.

such a spaz

2010-02-02T20:01:00.002-06:00

The pelvic ultrasound yesterday went quite well; the tech* didn't say much, but she did tell me that she didn't see any "huge cysts or anything". That didn't help ease my anxiety, though...I was picturing tumors in my uterus or bladder or colon or...well...any number of other organs in that vicinity.

This afternoon I went back to the doc to get the results.

Drumroll please...

...I'm.......about to ovulate! LOL.

Yes, dear friends, I appear to be normal (at least physically, the jury is still out on the mental part). I have several follicles on each ovary, but they're all relatively small. I should expect AF in about 3 weeks.

Now I'm left feeling like a bit of an indiot.

The doc told me that if it continues and I haven't had a period in 3-4 weeks, I would need to take progesterone to get things movin' along. Huh. Whooda thunk?

So here I am, just a normal chick with some growin' follies. Thanks for supporting me while I freaked out!!

*I did find it very funny that the tech asked if I would like to insert the wand. Uhhh...dude, my Ron-Bob had that thing in and focused on my girlie bits before I could even bat an eye!

My ovary hurts

2010-01-29T16:49:00.003-06:00

...or at least, I think its my ovary. Something on the left side of my girlie bits hurts. It feels much like when I was cycling and my ovaries were full of follicles. It's been going on for a few months now, but I finally went to the gyno today.

He copped a feel of my girlie bits, and said that the left side feels 'thicker' than the right. A few minutes later he asked if I planned on having more kids. Hmmm...did something he felt made him think that might not be possible? Paranoid, I know.

Anyway, I have a pelvic ultrasound (abnominal and transvaginal) on Monday, and a follow-up appointment on Tuesday.

Of course I'm slightly freaked out. My mind goes zooming past all the innocent things it could be and straight to the worst-case scenario.

*sigh* Guess what I'll be thinking about this weekend?

* * *

Random Mabel pic:

random

2010-01-26T08:01:00.005-06:00

I was going to write about my husband being a selfish ass, but he miraculously offered to take Sherbie to daycare this morning. So I'm just going to answer some random questions...but I reserve the right to go back to the topic of 'husband as a selfish ass' at any point, for any reason.

How's the weight loss going?

It's...uh...going, I guess. I haven't been to a single WW meeting, and I actually cancelled my online subscription. I've found that I've done WW so many times that I do pretty well tracking everything in my head. That, and its just a pain in the ass.

As of Thursday (weigh-in day), I'm officially a half-pound under a big ass number. Which was completely surprising and wonderful to see. Then I went and ate a (small) piece of cheese, hopped back on the scale, and had gained that freakin' half pound back. Whatever.

We didn't join a gym...B didn't like it, and I know myself well enough to know that if he doesn't go, I won't. So, we're looking at buying a treadmill. That way we can swap Sherbie duty without feeling like we're losing valuable time with him (driving to/fro the gym).

The good news is on the food front. It's sooooo much easier eating healthy-ish when B is in the same boat. Not that it decreases the greasy/chocolately cravings at all. *sigh*

Are you back at work?

Yep, went back the first week in December. It was so hard. I work from home, so I didn't have the office setting to distract me. Sherbie has a great daycare lady, but its still hard to leave him. Still searching for someone to pay me to stay home with the Sherbs. I have yet to find any takers. :p

What's with this 'Sherbie' business?

You may have noticed that I've brought back the nickname. There was some creepy photo-stealing going on in blogland lately, making me realize that I need to be a bit more...anonymous. One of these days I need to go through my whole blog and get rid of the identifying information. Cause you just never know what kind of sickos are out there. And I wouldn't want to get all crazy kung-fu on someones ass.

'Cause that's how I roll.

Like a little weed

2010-01-18T21:11:00.005-06:00

The little dude is FOUR MONTHS OLD! It seems like just yesterday I was hunched over the hospital bed begging for someone to shoot me.

I don't really notice how big he's getting until I look back on the pictures:

He's already gettin' all the chicks. ;)

hungry girl

2010-01-11T13:34:00.008-06:00

The following is in reference to Weight Watchers "Stop Dieting. Start Living." tagline. They can suck it.

Dear Weight Watchers,

If you're 'not a diet' then why the hell am I eating like a fucking rabbit? If you weren't a diet I'm pretty sure I would be digging into the chips in the back of the pantry. Or I would have run to McD's for lunch instead of eating that lame-ass chicken sandwich on high fiber bread with the creepy low-fat cheese. Yeah, if you weren't a diet I would be savoring some chocolate right about now.

Yeah, 'not a diet' my sorry fat ass.

While we're at it, I have a question: do you want to make me hungry? Whenever I go to your damned meetings all we do is talk about food. All the yummy, ooh-ey gooey food that we're not supposed to eat and the lame-ass versions that only make us crave the real shit even more. Pretty sure I'm not the only fatass to go through the drive-thru on the way home. Ehhhh....bite me.

Then again, I love you....cause you do work. As long as I stick to you. But that's not any fun now, is it?

Sincerely,

The Minnesota Marshmallow

As you can see, I have a love/hate relationship with WW. I love it because it does work...I hate it because it doesn't let me eat all the nummy shit I want to eat.

I've been following WW loosely *ahem* for about 6 weeks. Well, more like 3 weeks because there was Christmas....and New Years...and a few Mondays in there...which we all know totally don't count when you're on a diet.

I've lost 5 pounds. Which is cool, but not great. I really shouldn't complain, since I haven't been to the gym since...oh...mid November? I blame Blake. At the end of the day I just want to be with my little man! And no...I don't consider walking the track with Blakey in the stroller "quality time".

I'm thinkin' the weight loss will really start to pick up now, though. Ya see, B threw his back outta whack last week and ended up going to the doctor. He hadn't been on a scale in a very long time and was quite disturbed by the number he saw...so...he's on the "d word" too. We're even going to check out a new 24-hour gym tonight.

*Sigh* we shall see.

* * *

A while back someone asked how to pronounce Karis. Sorry I never answered your question!! It rhymes with Paris. :)

* * *

Did you know its possible to pump breastmilk on an interstate in rush hour traffic? It is. Kinda fun too.

* * *

The little man does not like tummy time. Makes for some pretty funny pics.

We like to pout together:

Yeah, he gets whatever he wants with that sad little face. :p

...and then it hits you

2010-01-04T14:01:00.005-06:00

I wouldn't say there are days that I don't think about the girls, but its not often that I reflect on all that has happened or what could have been in some deep, profound way. Without sounding cold, it has just become a fact of life: I had twin daughters, and they died.

There are times when I take a moment or two to think about the way things could have been. When I'm cleaning our bedroom and hold a hand to their memory box. When I see a rainbow, or a butterfly, or identical twin girls. Or a million other things that remind me, if only for a moment, of my precious little angels. These times are most often happy little reminders of the little time we did have together.

Then there are the times that catch me completely off-guard. When I'm plunged into a thought pattern I wish I didn't have. That no one should have. Of what could have been.

If any of you watch Desperate Housewives you know where I'm going with this one.

Last season one of the characters, Lynette, discovered she was pregnant with twins. She and her husband were long done having kids, and she was very upset for quite some time. I kept thinking, 'Don't say that, something bad will happen'!.

Well guess what? Last night, on the season premiere, she started having some abdominal pain. I'm not sure how far along she's supposed to be, but I would guess 20-24 weeks. She had an u/s and was told that one twin was fine, but the other was at risk for physical/mental disability. They rushed her into surgery.

Before she went under, the show went into a dream sequence of the childs life: physical therapy as a toddler, attitude/behavior issues as an adolescent, and then they showed a successful young man graduating law school, thanking his mother for all that she did for him.

She woke up from surgery thinking of all the potential this child would have, even if he did have a physical disability. A tired smile on her face, she asked her husband how the surgery went. He told her that the one baby was fine, but they had lost the other.

I've thought about my girls in so many ways--how they would have fit into our family, how they would have loved their daddy, how they would have grown up with a built-in best friend. I'm not sure I had ever really thought about how they would have impacted others. The friends they would have made at school, the boys they would have dated, the men they would have married...the children they may have had. To think of their deaths in terms of their impact on the rest of the world...well, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

As I sat there, Blake sound asleep on my chest, I couldn't help but to think about how things could have been.

3 months

2009-12-20T12:21:00.009-06:00

The little man turned 3 months this week. Wow. It seems like he's been with us forever, but at the same time it feels like he was born yesterday. It's amazing how much he's grown.

We call this picture "Merry F-ing Christmas...now get me out of here":

"Heya ladies...wassup??"

Hasn't quite mastered the whole balance thing yet:

Don't let him fool you, he isn't always this happy:

Big pimpin':

We went to see Santa yesterday. I was really hoping he would puke/poop on the jolly old man, but no such luck:

I asked Santa what Blake wanted for Christmas. He said a 22' bass boat and a Hummer. Smartass.

Anyway...

I find myself thinking about the girls quite a bit lately. They would be 15 months old. This Christmas would be so much fun for them...they would have a great time playing with the wrapping paper, and we would take so many pictures with bows on their heads.

I have so many conflicting emotions: joy for having our little man this year, and sadness for not having his sisters. At the same time I'm remembering how hard the last 6 Christmases have been, and how hard they will be for so many of my sisters out there still struggling with infertility.

As I snuggle with my little miracle this Christmas, please know I'll be thinking of all of those still trying, and wishing with every fiber in my being that next year you'll be holding your little bundle of love.

Random Mabelness

2009-12-12T20:26:00.003-06:00

Thursday was Blake's first day of full-time daycare. He was okay, but mommy wasn't! I had no idea how hard that would be. :( Mabel, on the other hand, thought she had struck gold! She tolerates the little man, but she isn't his biggest fan. When I came back the other morning without Blake (I work from home), you could practically see the relief in her eyes. She was thinking: "YES!! The little human finally went home--I KNEW he would leave eventually!"

Then he came back.

At least she still gets to hump Tungsten.

Mission: lose the blubber

2009-11-30T15:59:00.004-06:00

Part 1,329

Is there an echo in here? Cause I'm pretty sure I set out on a quest to lose some major poundage more than a year ago. And I did, sort of.

Then I got all knocked up and packed it all back on...and I can't even blame the kid, cause I'm pretty sure he didn't take up residence in my ass, chin, face, and/or arms.

So I'm back on ol' faithful: weight watchers. And the little man and I head to the gym each morning to go round and round and round the little track. He gets his morning nap, I work up a sweat. I've even started jogging. I can make it 2 times around before I completely DIE. If it were a normal sized track that would be rather impressive, but unfortunately its a 1/18th size track. Ah well.

I'm about 15 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant, but I would like to get down to around my wedding weight. Lord help me, I have a long way to go.

The driving force behind this most recent weight loss plan? Thanksgiving pictures. Holy frickin' shit I look like a cow. A really white, pasty Minnesota cow. And honestly, I'm happy, I have everything I've always wanted...its not really about looking good, I want to be a good, active, healthy mommy to my little man. I don't want to be the "fat mom".

I'll put a little ticker above to track my progress. I put the starting weight as my heaviest recorded pregnancy weight, just cause it looks better. Yep, I've lost 23.5 lbs. Quite a bit of it was a little man, some placenta, and other random gooey shit, but hey...I lost it, right? Bite me.

Even B has expressed interest in losing weight. We shall see...

Thankful

2009-11-27T10:31:00.004-06:00

I'm a day late and a dollar short as usual...but I'm pretty sure you can guess what I'm thankful for this year:

Who does he look like?

2009-11-19T12:24:00.003-06:00

First of all, I'm not one of those infertility bloggers who pops out a kid and suddenly disappears. It may seem like it lately, but I swear I'm not. I've just been struggling with what to write. Not that I don't have a bazillion things to say, but I wasn't quite sure that it should be said here.

Then I remembered how so many of you have said that you appreciate my honesty. I've never censored myself here, and now isn't the time to start. So, I'm going to continue to write what's on my mind. Some days it might be about surviving infertility. Some days it might be about loss. Other days it might be about getting peed, puked, and shit on. (BTW Corinn, its quite simple really: puke down moms chest while being brought to the changing table, pee when the diaper comes off, and let out a big juicy fart when the legs are lifted in the air...voila!)

Anyway...

There are some people in our life who know how Blake was conceived. Our parents, some of our siblings, and a handful of friends....oh...and a bunch of random peeps on the internet Other than that, its something we keep to ourselves.

The whole donor thing can be kinda funny at times, especially when people are super vocal about how much he looks like B. For instance, the cracked-out ex-biker cashier lady at Arby's:

Cracked-out biker cashier: "Ohhhh...look at him, he's sooo cute! So little!!"
Me: "Thanks."
C-OBC: (Looking from Blake to me, back to Blake, then to B)..."WOW, he looks JUST like daddy!!"
Me: "Yeah, he does..."
C-OBC: "No really, he looks EXACTLY like his daddy, WOW, its amazing!!"
(B and I stifle laughter)
Me: "I know, isn't it crazy?? I mean, you can definitely tell where he came from, right??"
...I think we laughed the whole way home.

Then there was the day I brought the little man into B's office. One of his co-workers gasped when I was putting him back in his carseat and said "I JUST saw daddy there...wow!" B didn't hear it, but I told him about it later and we had a good laugh.

The only time I've gotten seriously pissed off was this past weekend with my mom. She is one of the few that knows about the donor. She had had a bit too much wine and said, "Sometimes I look at Blake and see someone I don't know.". I responded with, "I just see Blake.". She dropped it pretty quick. (BTW, B wasn't there, she wouldn't have said that around him.)

Of course I've asked B if it ever makes him sad...or if he thinks about it a lot. He said that he thinks about it sometimes, but not often. He said that it doesn't make him sad, but he is curious sometimes.

I tell B I'm certain Blake got his ass from him. The kid has the LOUDEST farts! Seriously, I'm afraid he's going to let one rip in the store someday and I'll have to explain that it was the baby....and how pathetic that will sound.

Speaking of farts, my fat yellow lab needs to go outside. :p

Blake wants you to know...

2009-11-11T20:59:00.002-06:00

...that is really fun to puke, pee, and poop on mom. During a single diaper change.

Just for shits and giggles. And because he can.

Professional photos

2009-11-04T15:52:00.005-06:00

* * *

In other news, Tiffany has won the Sherbie birth game! She was the closest to the actual birth date/time, with a guess of September 15th at 7pm. Congrats Tiffany! Send me an email at noswimmers@gmail.com and we'll get your RESOLVE membership going. Yay!

And a big thanks to all of you for helping me figure out how to determine the winner.

Halloween

2009-11-02T10:43:00.011-06:00

Blake decided to be a pea pod for his first Halloween. Not that he really had a choice. Mabel and Tungsten cowered in a corner, afraid they were next (they hate getting dressed up). Once they figured out the little human was the recipient of such torture, they laughed their doggie asses off.

A pissed-off pea pod:

He gave up after a while:

Two peas in a pod:

See what I live with?

A pooped-out pea pod:

Tuesday night randomness

2009-10-27T20:47:00.004-05:00

Birth announcement:

Thank you all so much for your help with the birth announcement! It's one of those things I really couldn't figure out. I haven't written it yet, but I'll share it when I do.

The Sherbie baby pool:

I didn't forget about the giveaway, promise! I've just been a bit distracted by a little screaming, eating, pooping human.

There is a bit of a dilemma, though. I didn't clarify how the winner would be determined. Each guess (birth date, time, weight, etc.) is given a point value. I could either go with the person closest to the birth date, or I could go with the person who had the most overall points, which won't necessarily be the person who guessed the right date. So...I need your help! Let me know which is the most fair: closest to the birth date, or the person who got the most points. I'll put a poll over there------>

Clear as mud? Good.

Why the dots in the girls names?

Aimee had a great question: why do I put dots in 'Ka.ris and Ad.dison'? It's just my lame attempt to keep people I know IRL from finding my blog. Its something I've come across on other blogs--by putting dots, spaces, etc. in a word you can prevent that word from coming up in searches. But...I should just stop, since I'm not consistent. :) And, well...if someone wants to find this, they will.

Things are going pretty well in Sherbieland, which is where I'm currently living. The little man eats, sleeps, pees, and poops. And occasionally gives me the time of day by glancing in my direction. 99% of the time he's more interested in the tit. Which, hell...I can't blame him. I don't exactly gaze into B's eyes while devouring a delish meal, ya know?

Speaking of which, my boobies must be making some good juice: little dude was up to 9lbs 12oz as of Thursday! He gained 12 ounces in a week. w00t!

So my day basically consists of sitting in a big, comfy chair, tits out, watching TV and telling Blake all about the world. Which is exactly where I want to be.

newspaper announcement

2009-10-20T20:48:00.006-05:00

I need help...and y'all are the smartest ladies I know!

How can I incorporate Kar.is and Ad.dison into Blake's birth announcement? I can't find wording anywhere, and I'm just not creative (nor do I have the tact) to write it myself.

Any suggestions?

Usually the announcement would say something like: "Blake joins sisters Ka.ris and Ad.dison." Obviously this wording doesn't work for us.

Or should this just be about Blake?

"What the heck is this thing??"

Remembering

2009-10-15T09:41:00.009-05:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Thinking about, and missing, my beautiful little girls.

Much love to those of you remembering your little angels.

Ka.ris:

Addi.son:

Addis.on's last ultrasound. Kar.is, the TTTS "donor" was stuck up against the uterine wall, so we only have a shot of her foot.

I will be lighting a candle at 7pm in remembrance of Kar.is, Ad.dison, and all the other babies taken away much too soon. Bla.ke will get to hear all about his big sisters.

Friday night Q&A

2009-10-08T20:11:00.010-05:00

Some Q&A, randomness, and a few pics scattered in...

Do you still call him Sherbie?

"Sherbie" slipped a couple of times in the first week or so, but ever since then its been purely Blake! I might revert back to Sherbert when he enters high school, just to torture him.

Note (picture below): the boobie lady (aka lactation consultant) told B to do this. Blake needed a big finger to suck on so he would learn to breastfeed correctly.

Snuggles!

How's the breastfeeding going?

Okay, so no one asked this, I just have to vent. I'm not complaining, really. But imagine putting your tit in an industrial-powered vacuum. And the vacuum squeezes. And bites your nipple with its little gums. And sucks with all his might and whips his head back really fast. Owie doesn't begin to describe it. I don't think we were doing it correctly for the first few weeks, because its gotten a lot better.

We had a really cool L&D nurse. A few hours after Blake was born, B asked a question that practially made me piss my pants. In all seriousness, he looks at her and asks: "Do I need to go buy some of that Ger.ber shit?" (Referring to the jars of baby food) He's lucky I found it funny cause its just proof that he hasn't listened to a freakin' word I've said the past 9 months.

He's been pretty well-behaved.

Have you heard from the evil in-laws?

Hmmm...call me paranoid, but where did this question come from? It was from an anonymous person. Makes me think the IL's discovered this blog. If you're a real person I apologize. I don't really want to go there now...but let's just say they nearly ruined the first few weeks home with Blake. They said some more things that truly can never be forgiven/forgotten. Asswipes.

How does Mabel like him?

(See pic below). She's not overly excited, but she doesn't dislike him either. I think she's still trying to figure out when he's going home. :)

That's not to say she doesn't love to kiss him:

They're destined to be best buddies:

I also have to apologize to 'Anonymous' on my last post. She pointed out that IF hell isn't worth it if you're not successful. I really hope I didn't offend anyone with this!! I just wanted to encourage those of you who are going through a really tough time, and aren't quite sure if you will continue. We were there...so close to giving up. I'm so glad we didn't. HUGE HUGS to everyone out there.

worth it

2009-10-02T09:13:00.005-05:00

I've been reading infertility blogs for a little more than 2 years now. In that time, I've come to "know" many of you quite well. I've celebrated with you, cried with you, laughed with you. You have given me hope when I thought I couldn't make it through another moment.

Some of you have welcomed a child into your home during this time. I have rejoiced and celebrated right along side you, crying happy tears while reading your birth or adoption stories. Every time I read one of these stories I've been tempted to ask a question. A question I'm sure all infertiles think about at one point or another:

"Was it worth it?"

This isn't to say I didn't know the answer...I just wanted to hear someone say it. To know that all the treatments, emotions, time, and money spent were not in vain. That at the end of the day, if it all works out, that it would be worth it.

Well kids, I'm here to tell you that it is. The little man laying on my lap is worth every single shot, procedure, freakout crying session...everything. He's worth the past 6 years of heartache and longing.

If you're still trying to build your family, keep going. Don't give up. B and I were one cycle away from calling it quits...we just couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore. Now that I'm on the "other side", I can tell you that I would go through another million cycles if it meant having my little Blake.

You'll find this quote on many infertility blogs. I didn't realize its significance until recently:

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

-Winston Churchill

If you're going through treatments or pursuing adoption, you're going through hell. Please...keep going.

Blake pics

2009-09-23T16:48:00.015-05:00

In no particular order:

My favorite:

The birth of Blake

2009-09-21T22:20:00.016-05:00

Date: Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Time: 3:00AM

Place: My ute/vag/girlie bits...and, ummm...in my bedroom (if you're looking for a bigger picture)

I woke up feeling all sweaty, especially between my legs. This isn't abnormal, as I tend to get overheated at night and wake up in a total body sweat. Slightly irritated, I got up to go to the bathroom. Since I was there anyway, I decided to pee. Half sleeping I did my thang. Always the paranoid infertile, I did a quick tp check. It had some clear fluid on it. More curious than freaked out, I did another little swipe and confirmed that it came from the girlie bits.

Still calm, I made a makeshift pad and decided to call the hospital. I was so sure they would just tell me to chill. The nurse said to put a pad on and call back in an hour if I still had leakage. So, I did as I was told: dug through the closet, found a pad, and decided to tidy up the house a bit. Within 3 or 4 minutes I felt like I was peeing my pants. It was such a weird sensation...I couldn't control it at all.

Commence freak-out.

I called the nurse again and told her that I was pretty sure my water had broken, as I was already soaked. She told me to come in. I wasn't having any contractions (that I could feel, at least), so she said it was okay to take a shower, etc. (hey...remember, I had just woken up in a sweat, ick!).

In the meantime, B is sound asleep. I considered not waking him until I was ready, but thought the sound of the shower might wake him. I stood at the foot of the bed, wondering how to wake him. How do you tell someone that their life is about to change SO dramatically? I mean, obviously we were both well aware that little Sherbie would come out eventually, but it didn't feel real until that moment.

I briefly considered screaming "GET UP GET UP GET UP OH MY GOD MY WATER BROKE!! HOLY SHIT WE HAVE TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!!"...but thought better of it. Thinking back, it would have been funny as hell to watch him jump.

I gave him a sweet kiss on the forehead, causing him to wake up and look at me with a weird, dazed expression. I told him I loved him. He uttered the appropriate response (which, by the way, wasn't "what the fuck are you doing? it's 3am, go to bed").

I then asked "Well, are you ready??"

Again, dazed look. "Huh?"

"My water broke".

Ever want to wake a sleeping giant? Say those words. I promise, it works.

B: "Are you sure?"

M: "Yep."

B: "How?"

M: "I have a stream running down my leg. I called the hospital, they're expecting us...but I'm going to take a shower first. No hurry."

B followed me into the bathroom and watched in horror as I removed my pad and got into the shower.

I took a nice shower, still not thinking that this was it. I wasn't having any contractions, I felt great...was this really going to happen?

B ran around the house, grabbing our laptop, camera, chargers, etc. I grabbed the handy-dandy luggage I had packed over the last few weeks, still thinking it was kind of silly to bring all of this stuff. I sent out a pre-written maternity leave email for work, and of course put a little update here.

The route to the hospital was completely dead...I don't think we passed a single car. But B being B (a former police officer, by the way), HAD to blow through a stop sign, cause "When else will I have an excuse like this?". We laughed our asses off.

We checked in at the ER and were led upstairs to L&D. A nurse had me get undressed. She then asked me a bunch of questions, appearing skeptical that anything was happening. I must have been too calm. Then she checked my ute. Dude, it was like Niagra Falls! A quick little test confirmed that my water had broken (uh...no shit??).

I was hooked up to a couple of monitors, one for Sherbie's heart rate, the other to monitor contractions. B and I were left alone, wondering what the hell to do.

So we did what any sane person would do. We started to play with shit.

B found some light switches and had fun with what he called the "Puss light". Of course we took pictures, silly!.

The nurse came back and read the little strip thingy. Apparently I was having contractions, about 5 minutes apart (who knew?). I was told to get up and walk the halls.

Which I did...for hours. I started to feel the contractions, but they weren't really painful. The doc checked me at 8am and I was still at 1cm. They didn't want to check me often as my water had broken and I was prone to infection. The doc said if I wasn't making progress they would like to induce me around noon. I was a bit freaked as I had heard Pitocin (sp?) was nasty shit. The doc explained that its the hormone we secrete naturally and they can give it in very small doses.

So I walked...and I walked.

Just before 10am B and I decided we just wanted to get the show on the road, so we told the nurse to bring on the Pitocin. Gradually the contractions started to increase in intensity. They were still about 5 minutes apart.

The doc came in around 2pm to do a check. By this time I was definitely feeling the contractions and started to do some deep breathing during the peaks. I've been told I have a high tolerance for pain, so I was sure I would be 6 or 7cm. Sonofabitch I was at 3.

Did I mention I wanted a natural birth? Not because I'm anti-drugs, but because I'm a stubborn bitch and wanted to prove that I could do it.

I moved onto the birthing ball and leaned on the bed, which felt really good. By 3pm the contractions were strong enough I could hardly catch my breath. I have never in my life felt such pain. It was like having the menstrual cramps from hell, like my body was being torn in two. They were coming every 1-2 minutes. I focused on the stupid little cartoon characters on the bed sheets. I thought about all of my infertile bloggy friends and how so many would give anything to be in that pain.

Around 3:45 I told B to get the nurse. I wanted...no I NEEDED an epidural. I assumed I was only at a 5 or 6 and could NOT imagine enduring it for a few more hours.

I told the epidural girl (nurse anethestist), Amy, that I loved her. After an incredibly painful last trip to the bathroom, I sat on the edge of the bed while my lovely Amy shoved a needle into my spine. Surprisingly it didn't hurt much. They gave me the fast-acting drug and would be coming back with the IV meds. Or so we thought.

I had another painful contraction as she was finishing up, and I was scared to death that it didn't work. My legs started to feel warm and tingly, and the pain of the contractions eased up on my left side, but I could still feel them on my right. I told the nurse this, and she said it was possible I would still feel a little something on one side. Meanwhile, I felt like taking a massive dump. Hmmm.

Then I said the words that threw everyone into a mad rush: "I think I want to push."

The nurse checked me, her eyes going kind of wide. "The head is right there. You're fully dilated." She then started shouting orders--"Get me another RN! Get the doc! I haven't set up the room!"

B and I looked at each other in stunned silence. Seriously? Are you sure?? He's actually there? Suddenly I felt SO unprepared.

My mom was standing outside the room and said people started running everywhere. They were all under the assumption it would still be a few hours, so the room wasn't set up, the doc was in clinic downstairs...it was pretty chaotic.

The doc came running in and asked the head nurse if he had time to change. She said yes and he scurried away, returning only a minute or so later, half-garbed up. He put on these crazy knee-high waterproof boot things...I briefly considered asking him if he was going deep-sea fishing; then decided the mood in the room wasn't conducive to my smart-ass questions.

Before I knew it, they had my feet in the stirrups and told me to push the next time I felt a contraction. This was at approximately 3:55pm.

B held one leg, the nurse and I had the other. I had an urge to push, so I did. 10 seconds on, deep breath...10 seconds again. I didn't really feel anything, just a little pressure (THANK YOU AMY!!). B started freaking out "OMG, I can see the head!".

Meanwhile I'm thinking they're all just completely shitting me...exaggerating the progress so I wouldn't get discouraged. A couple of pushes later and B was really freaking out--the expression on his face was priceless--a mixture of horror and excitement. He said the head was out and he had lots of hair. The nurse said I could reach down and feel his head. It was actually out!

Another big, long push and he was completely out! It took a total of about 10 pushes in 10 minutes--I couldn't stop staring at this little being that had just been inside of me. To say it didn't feel real would be an understatement. The doc sucked some gunk out of his throat and nose, and they placed him on my chest.

It was a moment I had dreamed of for so long. I imagined myself bawling, but that didn't happen. I was more in a state of shock. Was this really happening? Was he ours? Are you SURE??

The nurses didn't like that he wasn't crying, so they took him over to the warming table thingy. This sort of freaked us out, but the doc continued his work on my girlie bits, so I figured it couldn't be too serious. The only time I took my eyes off Blake was when the doc pulled the placenta out--because I just had to check that shit out. (It's soooo cool, btw!)

Eventually the nurses decided he was just fine and brought him back to us. B had not left my side the entire time, I think he was a bit freaked out to go near him without me. They again laid him on my chest and I fell in love. The little man just looked around, trying to figure out this new, bright world. Neither B nor I cried...we just looked from him to each other in shock.

Blake has been a complete angel since then. He sleeps all the time; I think he would sleep through the night if we let him! I'm not counting on this continuing, but I'm thankful right now.

I'm looking at my boys right now: B reclining on the couch with little Blake on his chest, sound asleep. Its the most beautiful sight and fills my heart with love. I am a very lucky woman.

One of these things is not like the others...

2009-09-19T12:58:00.002-05:00

10 points if you can figure out which one is the real Sherbie:

All is well, the little guy is a sleeping CHAMP. He probably sleeps 23 out of 24 hours. I have to wake him up every 3 hours to eat.

My bed is calling for a nap. Birth story coming soon! :)

He's here!!

2009-09-16T04:57:00.005-05:00

Sorry it took me so long to update, it's just been one (wonderful) thing on top of another.

Blake was born 9/15/09 at 4:04pm. He weighed 6lbs 8oz and is 19" long.

We're in love.

More to come...

still on the inside

2009-09-15T09:11:00.004-05:00

Mr. Sherbs is still chillin' on the inside. I woke up at 3:30 am all sweaty, which isn't too unusual. I was damp between my legs but assumed it was just sweat. I was about to towel off and go back to bed, but I felt a little trickle. Still not putting two and two together I did a little swipe and was amazed to see what appeared to be water!

I didn't want to wake B, so I snuck out to call the hospital.

Crap...gotta go, we're starting the Pitossin (ugh)! I've been walking around for hours but nothing's happening.

Will update as soon as possible!!

It's 3:30am...

2009-09-15T03:41:00.001-05:00

...and my water just broke. Woah! Just about to leave for the hospital.

not so black and white

2009-09-13T20:44:00.003-05:00

I should know better. I work with docs everyday. While I don't know exactly how they think, I know there aren't really shades of gray in the minds of most physicians.

Assuming I don't go into labor beforehand, I will be 45 miles from home Wed-Fri for a conference. My doc kindly gave me permission to do so, but insisted that I take a copy of my prenatal records, just in case. (Side note: I'm not too nervous, considering this town is home to perhaps the best clinic/hospital in the world...not to mention the conference will be attended by 200 or physicians). So I left my appointment on Friday, armed with my records.

I should have known better than to look...but I just had to.

Pregnancy history
Pregnancies: 2
Live births: 0
A.bor.ti.ons: 1

I almost laughed when I saw the "ab.or.tion" stat, thinking it was a mistake. Then I looked down a bit further to see the explanation...

"Abortion 19w; twins, twin-to-twin transfusion."

That's when I started to cry. Losing my girls was not a choice. I know the term "ab.or.tion" is used in several ways in the medical community. A miscarriage, for example, is referred to as a "spontaneous ab.or.tion".

It still stings.

Is that what my beautiful Ka.ris and Ad.dison amount to in my medical file? An ab.or.tion?? As much as I hate the term "D&E", I would rather see that in my file. Actually, if it were my choice, it would say:

Pregnancies: 2
Live births: 0 (till Sherbert arrives, of course)
Unexpected, heart-wrenching, life-changing loss. Try to minimize it and the patient will completely kick your ass: 1 (actually 2), 19w, twin-to-twin transfusion. Their names were Ka.ris and Ad.dison and they are loved so much by so many people.

So now I'm carrying around a file that says I had an ab.or.t.ion. Lovely.

Bah.

37 week (!!) checkup

2009-09-11T22:56:00.004-05:00

This morning was my 37 week ob check. I'm feeling like the ol' pro, going in there once a week and all. Kinda brings me back to the days at the RE. B and I had "our" couch and felt completely comfortable taking a little snooze on each others shoulders while we waiting for the morning wanding. We also thoroughly enjoyed watching the dudes go into the wank room. Ahhh...the romance.

Stats:
Weight: +2.2lbs
BP: 128/84
Fetal Heart Tones: 130s
Fetal movement: +
Fundal height: 35 (still not liking that number...)
Gestational age: 37w4d

My cervix is still long and I'm still at 1cm.

Then this afternoon I happened to look at myself in the mirror. Cause its hard to miss someone my size walking by a mirror, not cause I'm self-absorbed or anything. I just stopped and stared. My belly looked different. It was lower. It...he...Sherbie has dropped.

Woah. Freakout mode.

After some time with Dr. Google I've found out that this can happen a few weeks ahead of birth, but it's still really, really weird. Like one minute it was high...now its all low. Oh...and I had some contractions tonight too. Not painful or anything, but I'm thinking my bod is in full-on practice mode.

Shit. How can you wait and beg and wish and pray for something for 6 years, only to completely freak out that you're not prepared when the time finally comes?? Ugh.

Would you like to play a game, kids??

2009-09-07T13:37:00.015-05:00

Oooh...want to play a game? It's a fun game, I promise! There will even be a prize for the winner. And this ain't no tootsie roll, kids. I'm going to pay for a RESOLVE membership for the winner--a $55 value. Woohooo! (Side note: I'm also going to invite family and friends to play. If one of them ends up winning I will go down the list until I find the first non family member/friend. They don't need/want a RESOLVE membership)

All you have to do is be the closest guess in the Sherbie Baby Pool!

Just click on this handy-dandy banner:

Game on, bitches!!

In the meantime, I thought you might like some pics of Sherbie's nursery. We went with the Ken.neth Br.own "Handsome Puppy" theme, which now appears to be discontinued. :p

Mabel just had to be in a pic.

We've had this blue painted window frame for about 5 years...we bought it for the "baby's room". Never would have imagined it would take so long to get here!

As you can see I've sucked it up and have actually packed a few things for the hospital (yikes!). Mabel likes to chill on the bed and Tungsten likes to imitate the hippo reading chair. (Seriously, they really look alike...kinda creepy.)

U likey the beagle watercolor? The smaller picture in the middle is one of K.aris and Ad.dison's rainbow, the night we found out they had passed away. I like to think they'll be watching over their little brother.

Closet full of baby stuff. It's been so weird to pull it all out of totes, remembering each item I've bought/been given over the past 7 years.

This is Sherbie's pile. He'll be coming home with the blankie Sheri made.

I may be drunk (no, not really), but I'm actually going to post a full-on belly shot. I reserve the right to delete it at any time for any reason.

B thought it would be fun to lay on the ground and take a pic looking up. It's sorta how my toes feel, I guess...

Then I took a pic of B on the floor. He's very afraid of being crushed. (Note: he's not always a slobby disgusting sweaty mess, he just got done doing yardwork. The only other thing that would cause him to sweat like this is just not happening...).

If you haven't already done so, go make your guesses on Sherbie's arrival!!

quickie update

2009-09-04T11:02:00.006-05:00

I have a bazillion and one things to do (dang work), so this will have to be quick.

I had my 36 (!) week check today with the NP.

Stats
Weight: -.8lbs (still a freakin' whale, though...I bypassed all the other large mammals ages ago. This brings my total weight gain to somewhere in the 30lb. range)
BP: 110/56
Fetal Heart Tones: 130s
Fetal movement: +
Fundal Height: oh crap...she didn't do it! I just realized that now. :p
Gestational age: 36w4d

She did a quickie u/s (no pics, sorry!!) to confirm that Mr. Sherbs is indeed head down. He was doing a little worm-type maneuver, his little belly was too cute! I caught a quick glimpse of his heart--always the most beautiful sight.

She casually asked if I would like to have my cervix checked. Yes PLLEEEASE stick your fingers up my hoo-ha! The result? My cervix is softening and I'm 1cm dilated! Holy shit! She said I could stay like that for weeks, its not an indication that labor is progressing, but HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP...is this really happening?

B wasn't able to make it to the appointment (expect a long, emotional post on that subject), but called shortly after. I told him I was 1cm dilated and he about shit is pants. I think he thought he was going to have to drop everything and rush to the hospital, hehe. Poor guy is completely clueless when it comes to this stuff.

In the meantime I have soooo much work to get done before Sherbies arrival.

My question: when will I get this sudden surge of energy? Sure as hell hasn't happened yet.

*Sigh*...back to work.

Random vintage Mabel pic:

36w1d

2009-09-01T21:11:00.005-05:00

Woah. This is starting to feel real.

Sherbie's room is nearly complete (pictures to come, promise).

B and I bought diapers this weekend. Diapers! Ya know, those things little people shit in?? I actually have some of those! And ass wipes too! Craziness.

The baby swing is set up and in the living room.

The pack-n-play is set up in the family room.

I have a suitcase packed. Sherbie even has a little pile going. I'm not sure when/if I'll be able to add it to to my stuff...I might just pack a separate bag. Part of me still finds it hard to believe we'll bring home a real, live baby at the end of this.

Mabel has been spending some time in Sherbie's room. Tungsten takes over our king-size bed during the day, so she gets pissed and jumps into the twin in the nursery. I like that she's feeling comfortable in there, but not quite sure how much she'll like it with a shrieking infant.

In the meantime, she's enjoying her sanctuary, even if it includes a plastic doll:

Introducing Dr. TotallyScrewable

2009-08-26T20:55:00.006-05:00

35 week (holy shit!) checkup yesterday...all is good in my ute. Sherbie's heartbeat is goin' strong at 150bpm. He appears to still be head down. I don't think the doc checked my cervix...if so, all must be good. I asked a couple of random/obscure freak-out type questions, was reassured, and we were on our way.

Here are the stats:

35w2d

BP: 124/86

Fetal Heart Tones: 155

Fetal movement: +

Fundal height: 34

Weight: +5.2lbs, aka: whale

B and I did get to meet a new doc. There are a total of 5 ob's in the practice. I've met two prior to today, and I've liked both of them. This one was different.

We shall call this new doc:

DR. TOTALLY SCREWABLE

I looked at a picture of Dr. TS before the appointment (a girls' gotta be prepared, after all!). It must be an old picture though, 'cause she looks completely different.

Yes, you read correctly, I said "she".

No, I'm not bi.

Dr. TS is all for B. Lord knows the man deserves it after my years of fawning over Dr. TF. I couldn't even look at him when she walked in the room, cause I would have bust out laughing. At least she wasn't there to check out his package, ya know?

I like her 'cause B actually paid attention at this appointment. Usually he's half listening. This time he made eye contact...smiled...and his phone was firmly planted in his pocket. Amazing.

At this point I'm loving anyone who can get B's attention. So keep on lookin' good Dr. TS, okay?

Random Mabel/Tungsten video. Gotta love the beagle howl.

34w5d belly shots...and a white cow

2009-08-22T20:46:00.005-05:00

34w5d belly shots (again, not the drunken slutty college kind):

I don't like myself in this picture, but Mabel is pretty freakin' cute.

Oooh...and looking at those pictures reminded me of the white cow we had in our backyard this week. Just sayin'.

Moo.

My life in bullets

2009-08-20T21:45:00.004-05:00

'Cause I'm just that lazy right now.

Plastic Sherbie is in the crib right now. He's been there for a few days and seems to be doing very well. Easy kid.
Mabel has been extra clingy lately. I'm starting to think she knows something we don't...
Tungsten's ass smells worse than usual. I'm thinking of slipping some beano in his kibble.
I'm pretty sure my left tit is bigger than my right...but my right is sagging more. This leads to one side of my shirt being pulled down while the other sticks out in all its glory. Hot, right?
I've forgotten what my girlie bits look like.
B and I just finished childbirth classes. One valuable lesson I learned: I'm going to be the one doing the reassuring...B can't handle it.
The placenta is quite possibly the freakiest thing I have ever seen.
When you're in childbirth class watching the baby freak-out-crying video, it is not a good idea for your husband to say, "duct tape!". People glare.
Sherbie's room is nearly complete, but B had to pretty much force me to do it. I just remember what its like taking apart a nursery. Not nearly as much fun.

Oh...and the highlight of my week? (Sorry, this won't fit in a bullet)

Background: I finished my graduate coursework back in 2006. I wrote my dissertation and went in front of my committee for the final oral exam. Long story short, they decided I wasn't ready (assholes) and needed to make some revisions. The problem? We were knee deep in the shit that is IVF/infertility. So it pretty much got put on the back burner...for the past 3 years...*ahem*

Anyway, I received a letter from my advisor about a month ago, letting me know that, due to the shiteous economy which led to an even shittier state budget crisis, they're discontinuing my program. Lovely. So I spoke with my advisor this week. Basically I need to get my project done before winter break. Which...in my case, means I need to get it done before Sherbie arrives...cause we all know I'll have zero time after the little man comes.

So on top of getting ready to give birth in the next month, I need to revise my dissertation, complete a bunch of paperwork, and defend it in front of my committee. All on a project I haven't so much as looked at in 3 years.

The upside? They can't possibly flunk an about-to-pop mama, can they?? I've been telling people I'll put a baggie of water in my undies and pop it if I need a sympathy vote: "OMG!! OMG!! MY WATER BROKE!! Please...please tell me if I pass...I can't have this baby until I know that I passed!" Think it would work?

Sherbie's great adventure

2009-08-16T21:29:00.011-05:00

Sherbert **the doll** has been chillin' for the last few weeks. I'm not so great about carrying him around much. Truth be told, its sort of a pain in the ass.

So I carried it around for a few days, and I'm not sure I passed the test.

One thing I learned: the real Sherbie will not be sleeping in our bed. This is how I found him after a nap. Not exactly an approved sleep position.

(Please note this is a DOLL--I don't need social services knockin' on my door!)

I also got a bit distracted and left him on the counter.

Hmmm...melted plastic.

SO how have the kiddos reacted? I realized after a day or so that Mabel didn't understand what it was. So I did the only logical thing: I started talking to and kissing the doll. Oh boy, did that get her attention! She rushed over to 'us' and did a few good sniffs, gave the doll a quick kiss, and ran away. I'm considering it a success.

Tungsten couldn't care less. He sniffed it, laid back down, and farted. Again, I'm considering it a success.

* * *

Speaking of Miss Mabel, she had a little adventure this afternoon.

I call it...

Miss Mabel Goes to Washington

(...or at least the local courthouse)

Mabel climbs the front steps to address the crowd:

Mabel paw-nders the possibilities of public service.

Thoroughly disgusted with the way special interests rule government, she says "screw it" and goes for a roll in the grass.

* * *

Oooohhh...I almost forgot: guess who's Fa.ce.boo.k friends with Dr. TotallyFuckable??

*Ahem* yours truly of course!

And guess who has pictures of himself wakeboarding?

**swoon**

33 week (!) ob appointment

2009-08-11T10:42:00.007-05:00

All appears to be well in Sherbie-land. Head down, ass firmly planted in my ribs, feet/arms in my side. Well...at least that's where he was a few hours ago at my OB appointment. Squirmy little bug could be head up now, for all I know.

Stats:
8/11/2009
Weight: cow
B/P: 108/64
Fetal heart tones: 140
Fetal movement: +
Fundal Height: 31
Gestational Age: 33w1d

The fundal height at the last appointment (31w1d) was 30. I've only grown 1 centimeter in 2 weeks? The doc said I'm on the "small side" of normal, but that its just fine. Still freakin' me out a bit, though. The measurement is supposed to coincide with the gestational age, so I should really be 33cm, right? I'm not on the "small side" of anything, let me tell ya.

Of course B had to ask if Sherbie is a midget. Cause, ya know...that's just where anyone's mind would go, right? Spaz. (For the record, he asked me, not the doctor. I told him to shove it.)

But the best part of all? The icing on the cake? I have a yeast infection! WOoohoo--GO ME! Just in case I wasn't uncomfortable enough, let's throw a little yeast in for good measure. Bleh.

This, of course, prompted B to ask if I was "bakin' bread down there?". Ugh, that man...I can't take him anywhere.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. Heartburn has been a bitch, so T.ums have become my best friend. I've also had a few backaches from hell, but hey...I'm not complaining too much. As long as Sherbie is comfy and healthy in there, I don't care. So give me yeast! give me heartburn! give me backaches!--this bitch ain't going down without a good fight.

* * *

Random Mabel pic ('cause I can):

She's been on the hunt for "Chip", her chipmunk friend for the past few weeks. He's "followed" her to every house we've lived in. I keep telling her that we moved a long way so it might take him a while to get here...he does have little legs, after all.

In the meantime I'm hoping we have some chipmunks show up soon, she misses her love!

Meet Sherbert

2009-08-02T18:30:00.007-05:00

No, I didn't give birth. And if I did and Sherbie came out looking like this (below), we'd be having a little chat with the legal department at the sperm bank...cause I'm pretty sure our donor didn't check "plastic" as race. Nor did it say anything about creepy unblinking eyes. Or the fact that he doesn't have any genitals.

But this is Sherbie...at least for the time being:

Let me explain.

I'm very concerned about Mabel's reaction to little Sherbs. I've been doing some reading on how to get canine kiddos ready for baby. You're supposed to expose them to real babies as much as possible, play baby sounds...and carry around a doll.

Not all the time...and not in public (ha!), but when you're cuddled up on the couch or just doing stuff around the house.

So I went to the store looking for a simple doll. No bells, no whistles (G.od forbid the thing actually cries or shits or something). My first attempt was at Tar.get. They didn't have any dolls. Unless you count Bra.tz...and I'm pretty sure all the makeup would completely traumatize my little beagle girl.

Fortunately Wa.lma.rt came through for me with this cheapie little dude. It was either him or Elmo. I wanted a non-caucasian baby, so we could also work on racial acceptance, but apparently W.lm.art is racist and only sells white babies. Anyway, I digress...

Not quite sure what Mabel thinks of it yet. She sort of looked at me funny and walked away. As did B, but that's another story. Tungsten couldn't care less.

Then again, I'm not sure I'm setting realistic expectations. Shit, if Mabel really thinks life with Sherbie will be like life with the doll, I'm screwed. According to life with the doll, I can leave Sherbie on the counter while I get clothes off the line. He can also sleep in a little heap on the couch...and I can carry him around by an arm...and spend days on end in his room. And I'm pretty sure he'll sleep through the night.

So we have some work to do...but we're tryin'.

Move complete!

2009-07-27T16:30:00.018-05:00

Mission: Move-and-not-be-separated-from-B-during-the-week = complete!

We completed the 250 mile move on Friday, and now face the monumental task of unpacking. Ugh.

Here's a few pics of our old house, all packed up and ready to go. I can't say enough about having movers...it was wonderful. The only thing we packed/moved was our essentials for the week. Everything else they came in and boxed up--3 guys packed our entire house in 6 hours! Crazy. They also wrapped everything really well, it was pretty neato. I was able to get in a full days work (from home) while they buzzed around me.

The wardrobe boxes were the best! We've never used them before...everything just hangs in the boxes all nice and neat. So coolio.

They wrapped all of our pictures/mirrors too.

If you looked at the kids, you would have thought they were the ones working their tails off all day.

Actually it was pretty traumatizing for Mabel. Ever since she was a puppy she's been deathly afraid of cardboard boxes. She won't go near them. Seeing them stacked all over the house was a bit much for her.

They did get a little freaked out after everything was cleared out. Mabel doesn't do well without her "sleep paw" (sleep nu.mber-Sel.ect Co.mfort) bed. Of course we transported blankie, teddy, and duckie ourselves.

We saw a rainbow the afternoon before we left town. Actually, it was a double rainbow, but the 2nd one was really faint. It made me cry...but they were kind of happy tears. I know the girls were telling us that everything was going to be okay.

On Friday we closed on our new house! I will post more pictures when we actually have things unpacked and looking somewhat decent. I took these before the movers arrived.

As you can see there's a little bit of wallpaper in the kitchen, but its actually not too bad...so we're going to leave it for now.

Dining room/sun room to the left. You can also see the wallpaper in that room, which is very light and doesn't look too bad, so we're just going to leave it as-is.

View out of the sunroom, which is now our family office.

Living room.

Sherbie's room! It's so weird to have all of his things in there. At the old house we had everything in the basement storage room.

Family room:

Backyard views (nice tootsies, right?):

Mabel surveying her new views:

Me? I'm freakin' exhausted. Three straight days of unpacking, ugh. My feet and back were killing me. It's been kind of nice getting back to work, it almost feels like a break!

Tomorrow I have my first appointment at the new clinic. I don't meet with a doc, but with the ob/gyn departments' Nurse Practitioner. They want me to meet all 5 docs before Sherbie's arrival, so it should be an action-packed 9 (or so) weeks.

Holy shit, I'm 31 weeks today. Crazy.

movin' week

2009-07-23T20:11:00.007-05:00

I apologize for being a bit MIA - its movin' week, bitches! This shit is tiring, let me tell ya.

You're probably wondering what's up with the pic. Ya see, when we moved into our house 7 months ago, I found the fridge to be very temperamental. B and I had a bit of a war. He likes his d.iet co.ke to be icy cold and would crank the fridge to its coldest. Which left all of my veggies all crusted in frost/ice. We went back and forth for weeks until I hung this note in the fridge. He didn't touch it again.

(Just in case you can't read it: "If you ever touch this again I will rip your balls out with my teeth!")

Anyway, this week has been pretty nuts:

Monday - mover guys came and packed everything.

Tuesday - mover guys loaded a semi full of our crap. They had 6" to spare--nice!

Wednesday - cleaned like crazy fools. I took the advice of others and hired 2 ladies to help for an hour and a half...best $50 I've ever spent! They scrubbed all my bathrooms and washed the floors. The only major scrubbing I did was the fridge, which wasn't so bad.

Thursday (today) - said a tearful goodbye to the house and the girls tree and closed on our house. Traveled caravan-style (B and Tungsten in the truck, Mabel and I in the car) 4 hours to our new town. Currently chillaxin' in a hotel & feeling like a nomad.

Friday (tomorrow) - close on our new home at 8:30, movers arrive and start unloading at 10.

Saturday - sleep.

Even the kids are wiped out. We're all looking forward to getting settled in our new place!

the name game - results show

2009-07-19T11:41:00.003-05:00

I'm not gonna go all Ry.an Se.acr.est on your ass and make you wade through an hours worth of bullshit.

Sherberts real name is...

Did you get it right?? Go get yourself a cookie. Wrong? Eat a freakin' cookie anyway. Cause thats how I roll.

Oohhh...cookies.

the name game

2009-07-16T23:34:00.002-05:00

Hmmm...whatever could it be??

Sunday night randomness

2009-07-12T19:23:00.012-05:00

I've been meaning to apologize for a LONG time to anyone who tagged me/gave me an award. I made a list in an email and...uh...sort of lost the emails. I'm sorry! I'm totally blaming the little man for this one. Love ya, Sherbs.

Corinn took some awesome pictures at the beach for Ka.ris and Ad.dison! Check them out here. How cool is that??

And check out what Leslee sent Sherbie! Isn't it the cutest??

Oh, and some belly shots from yesterday. Again, not the slutty drunken college kind.

Here I am at 28 weeks 5 days. Woah! I told B today that he's going to have to start shaving my girlie bits, cause I can't see them anymore. Cause, you know...you needed to know that.

The white tee I'm wearing is hilarious, I've been getting so many comments on it. It says "We're hoping its a pony." Teehee.

B and I went to a festival today and people were stopping me left and right. I thought about ordering this one, but thought I might get bitch-slapped. I thought this one would get me a few dirty looks from the senior population. I also liked this one. Oooh....and this one would be LOTS of fun at about 35 weeks. By the way, I have no affiliation with that site, I just like their sense of humor.

Coming soon: the name game! We've decided 'Sherbert' wouldn't work well in the corporate world. ;)

PASS!

2009-07-09T11:48:00.000-05:00

My sorry fat ass actually passed the 1 hour glucose test. w00t!

still plugged

2009-07-08T19:10:00.004-05:00

First of all, thank you all so much for your comments regarding the ass-hat anonymous douche bag. You cracked me up with your comments. I was in tears as I read it for the first time, but as the day went on I just had to laugh. My 10-year-old niece writes better than that. Anyway, enough attention for the douche.

**TMI ALERT**

Did you know that you can see pictures of real mucous plugs online? Like ones that just came out of some pregnant chick and are nicely displayed* on a bathroom counter or on a piece of t.p.? I didn't either, till I googled it at 3am.

Mabel has this tendency to want to pee/poop/play around 3am every night. After our nightly adventure, I went to the bathroom. Being the whacked-out infertile I am, I *always* check the tp. It was clear. Satisfied, I got up and went to flush. That's when I saw a bunch of mucous-y blobs floating in the toilet.

Commence freak-out.

Of course I fished one out with a q-tip (hey, I warned ya!) and checked the consistency. It was all rubbery/waxy.

Queue Dr. Google. The pics I found didn't look like what I had, so I was a little reassured. I called the hospital and they told me to put on a pad and see if I had any additional discharge...and if I had a gush to come in immediately.

This morning I felt fine. The cramps I had the night before had gone away. No discharge. So I started my day, which consisted of a 2-hour drive to a meeting. On the way I decided to call Dr. TF's nurse, just for some additional reassurance.

She asked if I could come in, which freaked me out even more.

At this point I was more than an hour away, so I arranged to come in late afternoon.

The results:
Urine? - a-ok
Heartbeat? - loud and clear
Cervical check? - closed, not dilated *whew!!*

Did you hear my sigh of relief? In my mind I was dilated and about to deliver Mr. Sherbs. He was kickin' away and I kept telling myself that he could survive at 28 weeks. I am just so, so thankful that everything is okay! I wish to remain plugged for quite some time, thankyouverymuch.

While I was there, Dr. TF had me do the 1-hour glucose test. I chose the cola, and it wasn't so bad going down...but it did make me feel a bit queasy a few minutes later. Fingers crossed that I pass!

*Anyone else wonder if these people keep their plugs? Like, they're displayed in a shadow box in the nursery or something? Ew.

nasty anonymous comment

2009-07-07T18:27:00.003-05:00

I thought about not giving this person the time of day, but I just can't help it. I received a pretty nasty comment on and old post today.

I've read it a few times, and I'm not quite sure how to take it. At first I was hurt (s/he said I'm "not ready nor mature enough to be a mother"). Ouch.

Then I realized this person may have been too damned stupid to realize that I was being facetious in my original post. That made me giggle.

Anyway, here's the comment:

get the fuck over it. obviously your not ready nor mature enough to be a mother. if you want to be an alcoholic or whore be one NOBODY cares. your the only one who has to suffer your consequences not those white trash, crack head mothers who HAVE kids

Oh...and here's the original post. It was 6 days after we found out the girls had passed away, so I was (understandably, I think?) in a very angry, bitter place. A bit over the top, perhaps, but I wasn't exactly in a great frame of mind.

Like I said, I thought about not giving this comment the time of day, but I just have to know what others think. Is s/he just a complete ass, or dumber than a box of rocks? Or maybe both?

Or maybe she's my evil step mother-in-law!

Wednesday night Q&A with noswimmers

2009-06-30T09:13:00.007-05:00

Does B really wipe your ass?

LOL, nope...but had I gone full-term with the girls it was a strong possibility. I mean seriously...how could I reach...either diretion? Then again, I like Io's suggestion of washing up with a garden hose. Can you imagine looking out your kitchen window to see the enormously pregnant neighbor lady washing her ass with a garden hose? Yeah...I kinda like that idea.

How are you doing with the move, etc.?

We're doing great! That's cause we haven't done a damned thing. I had a couple of moving companies come out for a quote, and we settled on one that will pack EVERYTHING! Obviously we'll take valuables ourselves, but its really taken some stress out of the whole deal. The whole move will only take a few days. One day for packing, one day for loading, one for cleaning, and one for unloading. We do all the unpacking, but I actually like that part, so it shouldn't be too bad.

I'm just so thankful B's employer pays for the movers. We couldn't afford to hire them ourselves, and I sure as hell won't be too much help at 30 weeks!

Didn't you just move into that house?

Yep, 8 months ago. Sucks donkey balls.

How are your new neighbors?

They are all SANE! Can you believe it?? Its been a complete life-changing experience to have neighbors that aren't psychotic. We chat once in a while and help each other out. What a concept, right?? Hopefully we'll have good luck at the new place as well. I will never underestimate the value of a good neighbor ever again!

Do you have any new Sherbie video?

Funny you should ask! (Okay...so no one asked, I totally planted that question). Check these buggers out. Again, its a video of a video, but pretty dang cool nonetheless. Oh, and for the record that's not my music, it came on the DVD from the ultrasound place.

This one has some good face shots:

Another:

And my personal favorite, Sherbie flippin' us the birdie! I have a fac.ebook "friend" who is a radiologist, and he confirmed that the little dude is indeed giving us the finger! It happens at about :09. ROFL!

I think that's it for now. If I don't write before, I hope you all have a safe & happy 4th of July. To my friends outside the states: happy...umm...Saturday?

Third Trimester

2009-06-29T20:27:00.003-05:00

Woah. So freakin' weird writing that. I'm there. Third trimester today...can you believe it? Mr. Sherbie is still hangin' in there!

It doesn't feel quite real yet. I keep expecting to have this 'Holy Shit I'm gonna have a baby' moment, but it hasn't hit quite yet. Probably won't until I'm feet-in-stirrups screaming my freakin' head off. Or when I'm holding little Sherbs.

In the meantime he's keeping me quite entertained, kicking and/or punching all the time (I can't quite tell the difference yet). It's amazing. He managed to give me a couple of good ones...I can't imagine what the full-force blows will feel like. Yikes!

I also have a ferocious appetite. It never ends! Fortunately my cravings have been for relatively healthy food. I'll let you know how my system reacts to a dinner consisting of 2 ears of corn, some raw green beans, and several stalks of celery. Oh, and a couple cubes of cheese. Oh, and no worries on the protein front, I had a massive turkey, tomato, and spinach sandwich for lunch, along with a half a cup or so of cottage cheese. Don't get me started on snack time.

While I am happy beyond belief experiencing all of these feelings with Sherbie, it makes me even more sad when I think of all the things I didn't get to do/seel/feel with the girls. I never felt them kick. I didn't get to see their little faces in 3D. I didn't get a chance to balloon to epic proportions and have B wipe my ass. All those silly little things.

At the same time I find myself smiling a little more and crying a little less when I think of my daughters. I want their lives to be more than just their deaths. I've said it before and I'll say it again: those beautiful little souls taught me more about love and life in their 20 weeks than anyone else could teach me in a lifetime.

Love you, girls.

Sherbie pics - 26w4d

2009-06-26T23:20:00.009-05:00

We had our second 3D ultrasound tonight. We bought a package that included 2 ultrasounds, so this was the last one! :(

I didn't think it was possible to be any more in love with this little guy, but WOW...seeing his face makes it all so real. He's really chubbed out since the 17 week ultrasound. He even has little rolls in places--eek!

And yeah...I'm pretty sure he was giving us the finger in the last pic. Teehee.

Sending love...

2009-06-25T22:19:00.001-05:00

Please stop by my friend LaLa's blog, she needs some love right now.