excuse me...have you seen my period?

She seems to be missing. She usually arrives around day 28. Today is day 50. I thought she was making her grand appearance on day 43...but that was just her evil sister, "spotting".

Don't say it. Don't even think it...because its not possible.

And even though we know its not possible, I wasted a couple of bucks on pee tests. That little naggy bitch named hope had begun to creep into my thoughts. Of course it was a BFN...B doesn't have swimmers!! None that can get out, at least.

I have a call in to my OB to ask what the fuck is going on.

* * *

We had a market analysis of our house last week. It was done by a realtor we don't know very well. Nice enough guy...but there was a really akward moment.

B told me not to touch the nursery. Because we haven't touched it since the girls died. Except to throw my maternity clothes, all the ultrasound pictures, pregnancy books, etc. in the crib. I also go in to kiss the urn every day, and sometimes lay in the bed with the urn in my arms. Other than that, it hasn't been touched. I just can't bring myself to do anything with it.

The last time I spent a significant amount of time in there was the night before the D&E, right after we had found out the girls had died. I slept in their room. The packet of medication I had to take to soften my cervix is still sitting on the nightstand...opened and empty, as is the half-empty glass of water, and a roll of TP (I ran out of K.leen.ex hours earlier). B's Father's Day gift is in a bag on the floor. My personalized pregnancy calendar is laying on top of a pile of clothes. I just can't bring myself to clean it. So I haven't.

I assumed B would give the realtor a little warning. I followed them to the nursery, wanting to make sure they didn't move anything. As soon as he opened the door, the realtor's eyes lit up and he said, "oh!! how many children do you have??"

Yeah. Silence. Then I said "Ummm..well, we actually just lost our twin girls". His smile immediately faded and he wasn't quite sure what to say. Poor guy. He apologized and said his son had lost a daughter at 6 weeks due to SIDS. He had to take a picture of the room, but said it wouldn't be used in any materials.

I have no idea what I'll do if we actually have to start showing the house. Or if we have to pack up and move.

* * *

Later that same day we had to drop Mabel off at the kennel. We've known the owner forever, and haven't seen her since we lost the girls. I assumed she had heard about our loss, or had read the obituary in the paper.

Nope. I walked into the building with Mabel's bed, blankies, and teddy bear. When I set it down she looked at my belly, then back at me, back at my belly, then at me...and just said "wha..??". I explained what had happened and she gave me a big hug. It looked like she was about to cry.

It scares the living shit out of me to think about the day I run into someone who assumes I gave birth to healthy babies. That will just kill me.

* * *

Babies R Us can kiss my fat ass. They sent me another catalog today. Bastards. I've done the stuiped automated "remove me from your list" thing 3 times. I finally got fed up and called their customer service. The lady told me that because it says "or current resident" on the address label, that there's nothing they can do. She said I would have to take it up with the post office.

Knowing that the post office route would get me nowhere, I called the actual store where I used to shop. The lady was nice and took down my information, then said " I just have to ask why, because I know my boss will want to know. Were you dissatisfied with our services, or are you just getting too much mail?"

"Ummm...I actually lost my twin girls".

"Oh my God I'm so sorry."

"Thank you."

Poor lady. It's not her fault the company she works for is run by complete morons. Or insensitive assholes, however you want to look at it.

* * *

I gained a half a pound from my rendezvous with the cheese curds and chocolate chip cookies at the fair last week. Totally worth it.