**I'm going to apologize for the length of this post upfront...too many things to say**
I've decided to become a raging alcoholic. Maybe a meth-addicted, crack-smoking, cocaine snorting whore. And between drugs I'll fuck the brains out of anyone with two legs and a penis (well, the two legs aren't really required, I guess). Cause if I do all of that, I'll likely crank out babies left and right. And miraculously, some of them will be healthy. But no worries, I'll make sure they all get nice and fucked up by crawling through the trash that I'll leave all over my house and get stuck by the used needles that I'll leave within their reach. If that doesn't mess them up, I'm sure one of my many men will shake them or beat them or molest them.
Can you tell I'm pissed? How is it that all these crank-whore, white-trash pieces of shit can pop kids out left and right while people like B and I can't have even one? The thing I've learned about the infertility community is that it consists of some of the most kind, considerate people I've ever met. We're caring, compassionate, and ungodly patient--perhaps some of the best qualities you could ask for in parents. Yet we're childless. We go through heartache after heartache and experience unimaginable losses. WHY?!?
In other news it seems to be "Mandy suicide watch '08". I've been asked three times in the past two days if I had any thoughts of "hurting myself". The first was my therapist. I must have looked like hell cause she hasn't asked me that for a couple of years. She said, "I have to ask...do we have any reason to be worried about you hurting yourself?" I said no (the honest truth), and then she had to ask B if he had any reason to be worried about me. He said no.
The second was my psychiatrist. Liability, ya know.
The third was my ob, which I thought was kinda funny. I must have freaked out the nurse when I started crying on the phone today. He told me about the bacteria stuff and explained that we wouldn't have the results for a few weeks...then he asked "Are you doing okay?" I said "physically, yes". Then he asked if he needed to be "worried" about me. I said no.
I have to stress that I have NO thoughts of harming myself in any way. But there's a difference between not wanting to live and not caring if you do. Cause thats how I feel right now. Like I told my therapist, if I had bled out during surgery, that would have been fine with me. But there's B...and Mabel...and that's what keeps me going.
Oh...and I. LOVE. MY. RE. Love, love, love. I left her a message with the news a few days ago, but we haven't been able to connect. Well, we finally were able to talk today.
She was so sympathetic. I could hear the emotion in her voice. She talked about how much we had gone through to get to this point, and how sorry she was...and I could tell she meant it. I told her about the bacteria--she thought that that probably was the reason. She warned me that the chromosome testing will probably come back normal. That's when I started crying and telling her that I'm a "clean person" and asking if it was my fault. And she said "oh my god sweetie, no! This was not your fault, people get bacteria all the time. I wish I could reach through the phone and give you a big hug. Please no...this was not your fault." So I feel quite a bit better. I still have that nagging piece of me that tells me it was my fault, but I'm trying to work through it.
I warned you it was long, didn't I? If you made it this far, go to the kitchen and get yourself a cookie...you deserve it.
Our journey (so far)
24 bazillion swimmers:
Of course I made it all the way through! I'm still here. I check at least once an hour (really, I'm turning into a blog stalker). Not because I'm worried that you'd hurt yourself, but because I know there are words that need to be let out before your soul explodes.
Please sign me up to help beat the crap outta anyone who dares to say anything about G-d's will! You have every right to be angry. I'm glad the conversation with your RE helped.
After losing my baby, I felt rage, bitterness, unbelievable grief. I got sick of hearing everything works for good. What good could possibly come out of losing my baby??? Four years later, I got pregnant again unexpectedly after years of IF. This time, my doctor knew what to look for, and he did an ultrasound on me every week. Sure enough, at 19 weeks, he discovered that I had an incompetent cervix. If not for that first loss, I would not have my miracle. I pray that you too can learn something from your loss that will give you a successful pregnancy next time and that good can come out of this tragedy.
polI'm so sad for you, and although i am a stranger, i hope that won't be for long. you can check out my blog at www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com to hear out stoy- i would love to be a friend if you need one.
god bless you
angie
I'm glad your RE helped you realize a little more that it is not your fault. Because it really isn't. ::hugs::
i still have no words of wisdom or comfort to offer you, but please know you are in my thoughts. hugs to you.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I've bitched about the crack addict thing too. It IS unfair!! NONE of this was your fault.
Girl, rant any time you want. And when you're ready to have that drink, give me a call.
I an (a) be the DD or (b) be the one buying shots or (c) holding your hair out the toilet or (d) all of the above.
Thinking of you all the time, sweets.
I'm impressed that you've gotten in touch with you anger! It will all come in waves; anger, grief, sadness, denial, more grief, anger, hopelessness. All this is "normal", though it probably won't make you feel any better to hear that. Of course it doesn't mean you'll off yourself. Those questions about suicide are annoying, because you just want people to see how devastated you are and be with you in your feelings, whatever they are. Hugs to you!
I think your anger is normal. I have one child conceived through ICSI, and my cousin and her no good partner 'pop' one out every two years! They think its easy and we can do it all again if we want another one.
Bitch away honey, I'm in total agreement and here to listen!
Kx
I would say you are in the anger part of grief...(trying to give you a smile here). Your thoughts are completely normal. It's not fair that crackheads can have 7 babies and us IF's have to work so hard and, there are still no guarantees. I'm so sorry. I am praying for you and hubby. I went through a miscarriage last year and it was one of the hardest things I ever went through. Hang in there, with time, eventually, you will feel better.
Honey, of course I read it all. Even though I've never met you, I love you and wish I could be there to hug you....a big WI Packer hug.
Yes, a cookie sounds good.
No, absolutely not your fault. Plus, I wonder the same thing all the time about people who don't deserve babies but get them while I watch all these wonderful people wait.
I'm there with you on being angry. We are all nice infertile people, aren't we? I'm glad you were able to talk to your RE about what happened. It sounds like that helped.
Oh and I don't want to hear about God's will either. There are so many things that are allowed to happen in the world that God can't possibly want to happen.
And I am glad that people do keep asking if you are OK. I think too many times people want to shove stuff like that under the rug and then act like they didn't know why something bad happened.
I think that we can all relate to your sentiments about the injustice of infertility. And the fine line between not wanting to live and not caring if you do... it's so rough, isn't it? But, please keep allowing yourself to feel all these emotions.
Now to find that cookie....
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this and are taking it so hard...but I totally understand at the same time. You want someone to blame - but you cannot blame yourself hun, you did NOT do this. ((hugs))
You have every right to be angry and pissed. Regarding your first paragraph...I passed a homeless woman on the side of the road the other day and her sign read "I'm pregnant". Now this is not the fist time that I passed her...about 5 months ago or so, I passed her and read the sign and burst into tears. This time no tears, just anger. She doesn't seem to have a belly at all...is she playing with people's emotions...that would be so wrong on so many levels.
I am hoping that she is not and is a liar because the thought of a child being born into that situation just kills me.
Sorry this is so long!!!
((((((HUG))))))))
No posts are too long! I am so happy your RE was kind and caring.
i don't want to say it, because i've heard it so many times myself i think i could just throw.
but i have to say i am so terribly sorry that you have lost your precious babies. i have lost two girls, one at 22 weeks and another at 23 weeks, just this past may.
i have to ask. did you read my mind with this post? i could have written it.
i am CONVINCED that if i take up a drug habit it will virtually ensure a healthly child.
i have done EVERYTHING to ensure that my babies would make it, and they still DIED.
mean while my uncles girl friend just had her third child and she smoked through each pregnancy. See?
it sucks.
i send you the tighest virtual hugs in the world and please know that i am thinking of you and understand.
and about hurting yourself, i got those questions with my first loss. i used to think that if i kept hearing it i might take the hint. just kidding. dark humor, i know.
HUGS
I hate when I go out in public and see pregnant women screaming at their other 2 kids that are riding in the back of a shopping cart. bitches.
You are absolutely right -- and I can't tell you the number of times I have said out loud to my husband: "We need to quit our jobs, forgo health insurance, begin mainlining heroin, drinking ourselves into a stupor, gain 200 pounds, go on welfare, and each smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day. But noooooo, instead I freak out about whether Kool-Aid has artificial sweetener and wanna smack the guy 400 feet away who lights up a cigarette."
I hear ya, hon, and am noddding vigorously in agreement.
get the fuck over it. obviously your not ready nor mature enough to be a mother. if you want to be an alcoholic or whore be one NOBODY cares. your the only one who has to suffer your consequences not those white trash, crack head mothers who HAVE kids
Hi-
I came to your blog from Windy's- Chronicles of An Incompetent Cervix. I hope that's okay.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. I lost my darling daughter, Ella at 23 weeks due to an incompetent cervix in March.
So happy you're expecting your rainbow baby. I pray every day that mine is on its way.
I love your sense of humor. I really get you. I feel that the wrong people are infertile too!
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